As I was driving home from work on Friday, I decided to swing by Good Vibrations on Valencia Street in San Francisco. I admit it, I go from time to time... just to check out the stuff. As a woman, I don't make eye contact with anyone in there--even though the staff and other customers seem pretty nice. Well, to make a long story short, I met the Cyberskin Realistic Vibe, 6 3/8" of oh, yeah, at the price of only $56 and batteries. Now, if you've never touched "cyberskin," it's a somewhat new material--a bit cold when you first touch it, but frighteningly REALISTIC. I'm not kidding. It even sort of stretches and moves like real skin. This was definitely different than the outdated "lipstick" style vibrator I had at home.
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I bought it and got out of there pretty quick. Oh, I pretend to be all modern, but all in all, I'm pretty shy.
To make a long story short, I have left my place a total of 50 minutes in three days. With the blinds drawn in my bedroom, I have been having one-weekend-long "This is so good" fest. While walking my dog in loose pajama pants, covered with a down jacket, my neighbor actually stopped me and said, "Hey, you look great." She looked at my flushed face, loose legs and continued, "Are you working out these days?" "Uh, yeah," I said, flustered. Pretending my dog was anxious to get along, I mumbled something like, "Sorta" as I rounded the courtyard. I've promised that I have to take a break from my new "cyberskin" friend tomorrow... I just gotta get some work done, but I can tell you, this is one relationship that is going to last. Now I'll tell you why:
1) My new "cyberskin friend" guarantees that I'll never feel that huge disappointment when I fumble in a man's drawers and find what feels like a tiny mushroom. Great, I used to think. 2 inches of hard-on. There's no time a wasting when I can reach into my drawer for 6 3/8" of fun EVERY TIME. Gotta dig that!
2) If I want to direct some attention (and time) to my pleasure button, I don't get rolled eyes and grimaces. Mr. Cyberskin ALWAYS goes where I want him. And since I can direct Mr. C, I don't have to deal with fingers jammed on my cli+ like I'm a video game. Mr. C knows that a bare brush back and forth does the trick.
3) No more refusals from uptight Irish-Catholics when I move Mr. C to my back door. With some lube, it's all good for my vibrating buddy. And thank you, my cyrberskin friend, for being so openminded. With a quick clean up in warm water and soap, he's ready for more.
4) When it's time for a break, I don't have to sit through irritating "whew, whew, whew" from The Three Stooges. No annoying sports games on tv. The tv clicker is all mine.
5) Instead of buying my "he's got potential" boyfriend dinner AGAIN, all I need is two AA batteries.
6) If I get bored with Mr. Cyberskin, I can dump him in the drawer. It's a no fuss break-up. And no lingering friendships with his in-laws or whatever. (Every guy's in-laws fall in love with me... I'm beautiful, smart, educated and like people... it's a curse). With Mr. C, it's a clean break... until I'm in the mood again. Then it's outta the drawer and back in action. Ahhhhh, there you are Mr. C.
7) Mr. C is NEVER self-centered. He never grabs my head to jam it down on his (sometimes smells like urine) penis. Nope. Mr. C is all about my needs. Believe me... it's refreshing.
8) Mr. C can go rough or gentle... he knows just what I need and delivers it. No more trying to communicate with a man who isn't interested in what I need. No second guessing. It's all on order. If I'm in a quickie mood, it's like a drive-thru orgasm. If I want to linger, it's a lot of teasing and seduction that will drive me to moaning in no time.
9) My cyberskin pal never drives me around the city, lost. He leaves the driving up to me. If I want, I can always stash him in a brown paper sack and put him in the glove compartment. He loves to travel.
10) I don't have to apologize to Mr. C for just wanting a decent f*ck and not a lot of dilly-dallying around. No wasting time "building a relationship" so I can feel good about my need to get laid. With Mr. C, we got close right away--and I sense we won't be parted for long.
11) Mr. C isn't just hot during the honeymoon stage. He NEVER calls me up and tells me he's too busy, tired or too-much of an asshole to drive over to my place for FREE sex.
12) Even though my cyberskin pal won't buy me dinner, a new dress or take me to Bermuda, he's the best, most consistent boyfriend I've ever had. And he's never made a pass at my girlfriends, slept around on me behind my back, stunk up my bathroom, farted in bed, called me at work or made me ashamed to take him to a party.
Let's just say I definitely think this long-term relationship will fill a LOT of my needs. Heheh. I recommend Mr. C to any gals out there who are tired of wasting their time, finding out that most men are self-centered jerks... or worse yet, lowering their expectations so that they can get a man. Don't do it! Instead, invest less than you would on buying that new man a birthday gift and buy yourself a gift that will last and last and last...
Oh, and if you're too shy to go into a store and check it out, Good Vibrations is online, too. www dot goodvibes dot com. If you're into tub fun, check out the waterproof vibrators, too. Wow, gotta go. Mr. C is calling.