I have been searching for something, someone special in my life and it finally dawned on me today. I found my elementary school's web site and the school mascot went from being "Pirates" to "Explorers". I mean, c'mon...are we so politically correct here in California that we must look down on pirates?
Then it got me thinking...A-HAH!
All of these women all over the bay area say they want a loving, gentle, understanding, compassionate man that makes their toes curl. Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit-faced liars. All of them! I can't stand these kinds of prissy, fake-Louis-Vuitton-bag-toting, wannabe Sex-In-The-City, whorish, social climbers. What they really want is a hunk of a man with a fat paycheck. I call it like I see them.
Yehhhhhhsssss. A pirate. I think I wanna date a pirate. A PIRATE! There's this place I've driven past on the El Camino in Palo Alto a gazillion times, but never had the guts to go in. I've had secret longings to go in, but never had a legitimate reason to walk into a place called the "Island Food & Grog" and I think it is because I am not a pirate. And not being a pirate, well, you can understand about not fitting in. We've all been there at one point in our lives. But if I can go in with a pirate, the pirate community will have to accept me.
So, in being honest with myself, I thought about the qualities in a significant partner that I would appreciate. The only thing I think I do not want in a potential pirate lover/boyfriend is one with a peg-leg. I thought hard about this one, but I don't think a peg-leg pirate will work for me. I thought about the possible sexual fetishes I could develop with a peg leg, but I imagine a pirate who can run relatively fast to catch me when I am running away from him when I've dumped the rest of his grog into the ocean because I thought he had too much to drink. Then we could have angry sexual relations and the peg leg...well, it would be hard to brace himself during angry sex unless there was a rubber stopper on the end of his peg leg or one of those tennis balls I see on the walkers of lil' old ladies...and when I imagined that, well, it kind of turned me off. I mean, the tennis ball doesn't go with the whole bad-boy pirate thing, you know? So, no peg-legs. Sorry.
As for qualities I seek out in my potential pirate lover/boyfriend, they are as follows:
- Loves the ocean, likes sailing the open seas, and has his own ship
- Likes to tie me up and call me dirty names like "wench" and "scalawag"
- Forces me into cooking and cleaning for him (which I actually secretly like to do, but is more fun to imagine it is being forced on me)
- Hunts for treasure...because I don't want no broke-ass pirate
- Has a brig at his disposal for when I'm being a "bad wench" and for him when he has had too much grog and I lock him up in there.
- Will cut the throats of other pirates for trying to poach his "booty"
- Has an eyepatch...because eyepatches are so intimidating (kind of a bad-boy turn-on, I suppose)
- Masculine, forceful, with a devil-may-care attitude. So, for example, he may know the differences between a salad fork or a dessert fork, but doesn't give a shit and eats food with his fingers if he chooses to much at the dismay at others and yells, "Aaaa-rgh!!!" when people roll their eyes at him (I guess another bad-boy quality).
- Sexy voice when he screams out "Aye-aye-matey!" or "Shiver me timbers!"
- ONLY verbally (NO PHYSICAL PAIN) threatens me with bodily harm when we fight, like when he threatens to make me "Walk the plank!"
- Eats fruits & vegetables regularly (because I don't want a pirate with health problems like scurvy)
- Has a scary nickname like "Bonecrusher" or "Gaspar the Bloodthirsty", not scary like "Snaggletooth" or "Blackteeth".
So, if you think you fit the bill (although, I highly doubt this...a good man is hard to find and even harder is a pirate), drop me a line and we can meet up for a drink at the "Island Food & Grog" and you can explain to me what "Shiver Me Timbers" actually means.