Originally Posted: 2002-02-23 9:30pm
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Inner Richmond's Super Exciting Moving Sale PARTY PARTY PARTY.

If you're thinking everything mustn't go, think again.

Updated 12:30AM March 2. North Korean Gold Medalist Lee Seung-Hwi is hella pissed that some of this stuff isn't selling so he's making some deals for y'all. Look for his picture on the stuff that isn't sold. You might have to do some Ctrl-R on this page to get the new pictures to load.

HEY JOU. I am having a party 8PM SATURDAY MARCH 2 to celebrate selling most of my stuff. Plus I wanna see what everyone looks like in case they are hot. Go here for the Evite.

PARTY AT 3125 TURK #14. Come at 8pm and start drinking and meet me and my friends before everything gets crazy. Plus I have an ENTIRE ROOM FULL OF MERCHANDISE WHICH HAS NOT YET BEEN OFFERED OR PICTURED. Imagine: a rice cooker, a handmade blowdart gun from Bali, an ironing board, the game of Life, a volleyball, my grandpa's 50 year old electric fan, and some other stuff. Come over first and buy.

AT 9 PM WE WILL START WATCHING SCARFACE ON MY AS OF YET UNSOLD $20 TV. After it's done and everyone is drunk we will go somewhere rad. Hopefully some people that bought some of my stuff will make appearances.

BRING BOOZE AND OTHER STUFF. THANKS. I have to leave now to go rock but MY CAR IS SOLD. Email me with any questions.

I am moving to Beijing to be a rock star. If you have some connections there or just want to give me lots of cash for no reason, please contact me immediately. Thanks. -Mark

Below you will find a marriage of descriptions and pictures of ultra mega new exciting merchandise so rich in visual representation and artistic depth that your eyeballs and brain will be racing eachother to jump out of your head. A million pieces of silverware, almost an entire set of dishes, cups, stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff!

WASSUP, MANG. A picture of Al Pacino as Tony Montana will appear next to all sold merchandise.


MANG MANG MANG MANG MANG MANG MANG. Why people got to be all NOT BUYING, yo? Nah kid, I gots the hookup... Check me.

Hey there, friend. Does the current state of the economy get you down? Are you blue because the Axis of Evil is plotting your demise? Are you tired of sleeping on the floor? We have the answers to all of your states of discontent: products! The wretched state of the metropolitan economy means big savings for you on all this fabulous merchandise! A car... a TV... a VCR... dressers... tables... chairs... even a magazine rack can be yours if only you scroll down and see!

Please contact me at markbarthelemy@lycos.com with your questions and offers on the below. Be sure to include a contact phone number and let me know some times you are avalable to come check stuff out. All items are available for pick-up near the intersection of Turk and Arguello in San Francisco's tres chic Inner Richmond district.


Axis of Evil posterboy Lee Seung-Hwi was pleased as punch to take a gold medal home to North Korea in 1996. The editors of Cho-sun magazine saw it fit to put him on the cover of their November 1996 "Triumphant Heroes Who Honor The Juche Ideal By Laying Waste To All Enemy Capitalist Competitors In International Sporting Exhibitions" issue. But does he have a set of plates featuring an attractive and mouth-watering Apple pattern? He'd certainly trade all the gold medals in the world for a chance to dine with you on your new set of Apple Plates after you bring them home with you. This set features 5 sets of matching large, medium, and small plates, as well as 5 eye-catching coffee mugs for that post-dinner cup of Southern Comfort. Don't think of it as 5 sets though... think of it as 4 sets plus a bonus set for a Greek wedding or something. Plus you're getting a mixing bowl, six matching short glasses, five matching tall glasses, and two Minnesota Timberwolves beer glasses for your hard-earned American dollar. Celebrate jingoism and democracy for only $20..

Sad Eagle says "Do you value your freedom or not? BUY THESE PLATES, MANG."

Last and least is Single Wooden Chair, a close cousin to Duo of Wooden Chairs with a bit of a twist. Here's a little quiz. What do the following things all have in common?
- The Declaration of Independence
- Norman Rockwell's "The Four Freedoms"
- The original American flag
- The lyrics to The Star Spangled Banner

I'll tell you what: they were all created by Americans who were sitting in chairs. Chairs probably a lot like this one. Take a seat... and work on your own American masterpiece... for only $5.

Sad Eagle says "Sit down and figure all this crajy stuff out mang."

Confused or bored? This attractive appliance will teach you what to think and, more importantly, what to buy. Patented RCA technology beams glorious images of destruction, terror, and jingoistic pride directly to your eyeballs by means of a 21-inch screen. Bonus: no pop-under ads for 888.com or the X10 spy cam! The Television is cable-ready and works great if you can plug it into an AT&T cable box, because the remote is missing, and if you want to turn the power on and off on the TV itself, you'll need to use a pen or paperclip, because the power button is missing. Works well though. Never stop rocking for $20 or best offer.

Sad Eagle says "Jou can use dis television to watch CNN, mang."

Eating. Simply everyone seems to be doing it these days. From Hollywood to Schenectady, Americans everywhere seem to be participating in the latest sensation to sweep the nation. Hot dogs... steak and potatoes... even lo mai gai and cha siu bao are being processed into life-giving energy deep inside the stomachs of your countrymen right this very instant. And right there, standing by our side, ensuring that we receive the sustenance to maintain our status as the sole world superpower? Silverware, that's who. All your favorites are here: forks, spoons, ladle, wooden mixing spoon, pointy non-serrated knives, butter knives, black spatula, and Big Poppa Fork is somewhere in there too. And the massive serrated bread knife will definitely help you win kitchen arguments. Oh it IS easy being green, Kermit, especially for only $20..

Sad Eagle says "Just because jou are only eating the Krispy Kremes and Taco Bell don't mean you have to eat with your hands like someone off the banana boat, mang."

Do not resist Ikea. Ikea products are friends of the American people. They only wish to help you, capitalist compatriot. Besides, when your new neighbors and friends come over to visit, they'll say "Hey, did you get that at Ikea?" and you'll say "Yeah, it's like... made of Japanese rice paper or something," and they'll say "Cool... do you watch anime at all?" and then you've got a friend for LIFE. Donate to the Church of Latter-Day Scandinavian Mass-Produced Cheap Furnishings for only $10 or best offer.

Sad Eagle says "Get this for those clandestine Neighborhood Watch meetings late at night, mang."

WHERE, WHERE are you going to put your cologne bottles and makeup? You don't want them touching the top of your new White Dresser, that's for sure. But you want something that says genuine-1960s-faux-1940s-faux-wood. That's why you buy the top tray. You also want a big silvery fish that you can use for a candy dish or something. For $5 total, you figure it out.

Sad Eagle says "I like the fish mang."

WHEEEE. Twenty feet of tiny lights which can be used to celebrate Christmas, Kwanzaa, or your first night out of sexile in six months. "Wow, your dorm room is so cool... nice The Little Prince poster, I LOOOOOVE that book. So is your roommate gone for the weekend or something?" Hook it up for only $2 or best offer.

Sad Eagle says "Get this for the drunken afterparty for the clandestine Neighborhood Watch meetings late at night, mang."

Cups. Drink out of them. $2..

Sad Eagle says "My ears are ringing with the tortured cries of our country's forefathers because jou refuse to buy these cups, mang. STOP THEIR PAIN, MANG, PLEASE."

7:30. 7:39. 7:48. 7:57. Yeah, 7:57 will work. I love 7:57, and you will too, after you hit the snooze button a million times to avoid hearing that terrible Matchbox 20 "And I think you're so mean..." song on KOIT. But 7:57 rolls around, Careless Whisper is rocking the airwaves, and you're finally ready to jolt out of bed and take a three minute shower before racing down to catch the bus. Thanks, Retro 1985 Clock Radio. Learn your multiples of 9 for $5 or best offer.

Sad Eagle says "Wake up, mang!"

SOLD MANG! My car is a 1971 BMW 2002 in great condition. Asking $3000. Go here for more information and pictures.

The Sweet and lov-e-ly Liz took this home so she could rock her new little babymang to sleep. SOLD MANG! Rock-a-bye-BABY is this rocking chair hella sweet or what, brah? We are out of Post-collegiate Furniture Land and are arriving in family heirloom territory here. All wood... maybe oak or cedar or pine or something... with an attractive and removable cushion. Its non-Ikea super-sturdiness and comfort will make you go Ahhhhhhh. Maybe you want it, but the corner for which you have it in mind is poorly-lit. Come on now, you don't want to strain your eyes, do you? Maybe you want that LAMP right next to it... or maybe you want TWO IDENTICAL LAMPS RIGHT NEXT TO IT. Hey... maybe you like to wear sunglasses indoors... I dunno. We really don't care, we're merely here to help you maintain your own lifestyle. Rocking chair for $80 or best offer and $5 each for the lamps..

Sad Eagle says "Don't nobody want to sit in this chair and sew me a flag Betsy Ross style or what, mang?"

Elvira Hancock says "Hey, Jose. Who, when, why, and how I store my clothes is none of your business. Sold to the Inner Richmond homeboy." Do you own clothes? Do you love the Justice League of America? If you answered yes to either of the preceeding questions, then you are a prime candidate to be the proud new owner of the Batman Dresser. This attractive and sturdy dark wood dresser features not two but three drawers, all of which can be used to store just about anything you want! Best of all, the bottoms of the drawers are lined with an attractive Justice League of America pattern. You'll rest easy knowing that your sweaters are under the constant watch of Superman, The Green Lantern, Gotham's finest, and a bunch of other ones that I can't remember. Holy $20 or best offer, Batman!.

Sad Eagle says "Only a chingada would not want to line their dressers with anything besides the Justice Leage of America, mang. Do it for your country, mang."

Antonio Montana says "You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend Hasam, the mang who walked away with this cabinet mang. SOLD MANG." You've spent your life traveling to the far reaches of the world, accumulating items mundane... decorative... even profane. But an incapacitating allergy to wood prevents you from displaying your treasures. Why not store all of them on and in this attractive black metal cabinet? Sturdy, light, and magnet-friendly, Black Metal Cabinet is your new best friend for $10 or best offer..

Sad Eagle says "MANG. This thing is so light and subtle... yet so effective... kind of like a Stealth Bomber, mang."

Tony says "Some kind of stoner snowboarder mang with a broken arm walked out with this bed, mang. Issoooo comfy, mang. SOLD MANG." Continuing with the dual themes of sloth and relaxation, we now say wassup to the Gangsta Bed. This bed may be a three-year-old queen, but don't be calling him that around its homeys Bedstand and Batman Dresser... it'll get craftmatic on you in your sleep, fool. Gangsta Bed may talk tough and appear fly, but its World Class Beautyrest By Simmons pedigree is the real deal for sure. After a hard night of... whatever it is exactly that you're into, you'll have no problem getting your sleep on, up in here, up in here. Show your love for only $100 or best offer.

Sad Eagle says "Jou need jour rest for tomorrow, mang. Jou know how we do in the USA? One day at a time mang, one day at a time."

Tony says "OH MANG... some mang on the peninsula had to give his babymama's mama and papacito a place to sleep tonight, mang. SOLD MANG.Ahhhh, The Couch. Truly the functional and friendly centerpiece of the American home, The Couch offers us physiological as well as spiritual comfort, and like a family friend, is There With Us through the good times and the bad. And by means of a futuristic technology called the Pull-out Mechanism, this particular incantation magically transforms into a bed. Sit on it, lay on it, submit it to MOMA as a Found Object... the choice is yours for $20 or best offer.

Tony says "It's a nice place to keep your yeyo before you got to bed, mang. Sold to Andrew so he can use it to place his political science books while he is asleep, mang."This rustic, totally-made-out-of-wood nightstand was my constant companion, and I am sad to bid it adieu. Alas, it has never ceased to provide me with ample, open-faced storage down below, while ensuring that my more closely-held possessions would recline in style up top. Visitors will wonder what sort of splendid baubles their tasteful yet enigmatic host keeps within the fully-opaque drawer. Create mystery for $40 or best offer..

Tony Montana says "Whatcyu looking at, mang? This item is sold, mang." The Ikea Magazine Stand has its personal penchants and preferences: umlauts, fjords, and girls with pigtails named Heidi. But it honestly doesn't care if you read Martha Stewart's Living, Wallpaper, or Maximum Rocknroll-- all it wants to do is hold and display a wide assortment of your periodicals. Eradicate prejudice for $3 or best offer..

Tony says "Robina picked up some Class A Chit when she bought the papasan, mang. SOLD MANG."
smooth, sturdy bamboo
cradling you in sweet comfort
reading, fall asleep
Zen and The Art of The Papasan: $35 or best offer.

Tony: "Amigo, the only thing in this world that gives orders is balls. Andrew has balls, and took this to his home in North Beach. SOLD MANG! Tyler Durden would appreciate your taste if he saw you with this killer Ikea nightstand. Especially with the artful yet tiny flaw on its side. Rule #1 may be Never Talk About Fight Club, but Rule #2 is Always Buy Your Ikea Merchandise Secondhand. Stick it to the man for $10 or best offer..

Tony says "Lindsay was so lucky to buy this. Bye bye white dresser, have a good trip. SOLD MANG."OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS... DRESSERMANIA 2002? Possibly. You've got drawers galore in this painted wood bad boy. Weathered in texture and appearance, White Dresser is large and in charge-- in charge of storing all of your clothes and assorted doo-dads, that is. Maintain constant vigilance for $25 or best offer..

Tony: "Now Robina can look at Manolo's cute little culito on TV all she wants, mang. SOLD MANG." Man, wouldn't it be cool if you had two VCRs so you could rent everything from the video store and tape yourself a copy? Yeah, it would. Maybe you should buy this one: it's cheap, it's stereo, it's only 2 years old, the picture quality is great, the remote is in proper working order, and it rewinds super super fast. Original box and manual, too.Have the world at your fingertips for only $40 or best offer.

Chairs still available. Tony says "Who put this table together, huh? ME. Who I trust? Who I trust to eat at this table? ME. But I sold it, mang."This breathtaking table is the end-all union of form and function for food fanatics from Fremont to Fairmont, friend. Fairmont is in Minnesota, by the way, the state famous for the sort of Kellogg's cereals and Green Giant veggies that will make their way to your mouth thanks to this kitchen table and its good friends The Duo of Wooden Chairs. Hey, what do you need four kitchen chairs for anyway? Note that the sides of the table can fold up or down according to your every whim. Purchase both table and chairs and receive the matching clock FOR FREE! Table for $50 or best offer, Duo of Wooden Chairs for $20. Note that the wooden chairs are in no way related to former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden.


Tony Montana says "I love these tools mang. In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the fireplace tools, like the womang from Guam who bought them, mang. SOLD MANG." If you've ever suffered third-degree burns, you'll no doubt be aware of the benefits of using this lovely set of Fireplace Tools to prod, poke, and sweep your way to Duraflame heaven. Avoid costly skin grafts for $15 or best offer.



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