Darlene . . . baby . . . how does a man rightfully apologize for screwing up a 3some? How could our fantasy have gone so wrong so quickly, all because of my stupidity??
Look baby I know you're a freaky bitch as it is . . . when you make me hide in our closet and watch you suck some other guy off, then reward me with some quickie handjob in the car wash 4 days later . . . it is such a fine line between kinky and desperately pathetic . . . but I still love you.
So when you said you'd like to hit that kinky bar near the corner of Polk and Post and maybe mack a third with someone WITHOUT an Adam's Apple, I thought God was finally listening to my prayers. He didn't deliver on the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game I prayed for Him to deliver on Christmas 1978. And He sure as heckfire seemed to be pre-occupied with some global crisis when I prayed for Father McGahee to get his oily hands off my penis when I was 13 . . . but I thought MAYBE the Lord was finally paying attention to me after all those times cruising the internet group sex porn sites and wondering why Lucky Man With 2 Babes On His Cock couldn't frikkin be ME for a change!!
And that is not to say I wasn't happy with our sexlife as it is. SURE, there were many nights I laid there getting a tongue cramp while patiently licking figure 8s on your pussy, wondering if NASA had as many problems getting off as you do . . . (and those figure 8s sometimes reminded me of the infinite symbol . . . which is how many orgasms you expected me to give you) . . . my head deep inside a figure 4 leg-lock that would put Stone Cold Steve Austin to shame (can't WAIT to see him in Grand Rapids this summer!!!) . . . maybe there WAS more give than take on my part. But I still loved you.
So when you sauntered up to the blonde girl you'd met at Bondage A Go-Go last week and pointed at me and she DIDN'T laugh . . . let me tell you that all 3-1/2 inches of my throbbing man-meat stood at attention awaiting further orders!! And I liked the way you made me pay for all 15 shots of RumpleMintz . . . you DEFINITELY made her think I was yo pimp daddy with the shizzle in da nizzle!! (seriously, why do you make me talk like some ghetto rapper sometimes? I don't know what my shizzle is or how it fits in your nizzle and it RARELY feels good . . . for me that is . . . )
So we get sauced up and back to our apartment and suddenly I have 2 babes lying in my bed making out with each other and I thought, "WOW! I just saw this on the MTV video awards!! Except they had one really really old mannish looking broad"
And then it came my turn to be the meat in a luscious lesbo sammich, with extra mayo and not too much onion and a juicy sliced tomato and REAL lettuce (not that stringy crap they put on Bic Macs!) . . . and as suddenly as we achieved liftoff, the Shuttle crashed.
Have you ever heard of the philosophy that says once a man admits to making a mistake, he is IMMEDIATELY forgiven?? Obviously not. because I said I was sorry a hundred gazillion gajillion BILLION times that I didn't know it was a 3some faux pas to kiss your friend first. I realize the error of my ways NOW, and of course every guy I've talked to since has pointed out the obvious . . . you ALWAYS kiss the woman you know better FIRST!! Seems like a no-brainer but I just wanted to jump in the pool and get wet, ya know?? I wasn't thinking!! And I'd never done a 3some with 2 women before!! How was I supposed to know the proper etiquette?
for REAL . . . why don’t they tech this crap in high school instead of trigonometry?? when have I ever had to find a fucking co-secant in my adult life?? ok when did I ever think I would have 2 half naked women in my bed eager for me to jump in, but c'mon which margin for error would I really want to live with?? That I would need to find a co-secant and have all this knowledge of 3somes, or that 2 women would be in my bed and I'd suddenly remember to divide the hypoteneuse by the fucking adjacent angle??
now I am not trying to point fingers or any other body part here, but did you and your friend REALLY have to run screaming from the room, and lock yourselves in the bathroom - crying and panting and moaning for 4 hours? Couldn't we have just patiently accepted that I made a tactical error at the Maginot Line and regrouped the troops for a second attack?? and I am partially upset that I was forced to jerk myself off to some cheesy Sybil Danning lesbian prison flick on Cinemax that night instead of having 2 beautiful women wax my lance. But I still love you.
I am sorry babe. So so so so so sorry. Please come back to me. Please return my phone calls. Please stop telling my mom that I look queer in ass-less leather pants . . . is that an image she needs to take with her into heart surgery next week? HUNH??