Greetings, sexual failures of the Hell-bound kind. I’m back to spread the word of Him after having had to enlighten myself once again due to a lack of worthy male disciples to do it for me. I laid out in the sun with my blessed bosom pointed heavenward and the slight breeze tickling my nipples, took in a few passages from the Good Book and re-hydrated my devout body with a raspberry iced tea Snapple. In between these activities, my plastic penis once again paid me worship and was able to bring forth a divine orgasm from deep within my Christ-loving temple. When it was done speaking of its sins in my creamy confessional, I removed it and thanked it for always being devout and faithful despite the temptation to do wrong unto me. It is only by repeatedly preaching to all of you non-worthy men that I hope to get my point across to and into your brick-thick skulls: “E” is for effort. This is what you must put in to win the blessed hand of a spiritual siren such as myself. Stop half-assing it. Make your mothers proud for once for squirting you out of their caring holes the same way Mary was proud of parting with her gift from above upon His arrival here on the mortal path we tread upon. So come forth from hiding amongst the surely damned and show yourself to Jesus as soon as you can because in the game of tag that is faithlessness, you’re “it” until you’ve allowed him to touch you.