Wife + Kids = No Sex and the Departure of My Sanity
I’m one of the many husbands (possibly wives) out there who’s kids tripped over the cord on the sex machine, ripping the plug right out of the wall. That humming and sputtering sound you hear is the machine slowly grinding it’s way to a gear freezing halt, its future destination: – the appliance graveyard under the sink where the Salad Shooter currently resides.
Somebody help me out here – what do you do when your partner in life is great in every other way, but is a passion(less) fish in the bedroom? While, you yourself are one serious horn dog? For the sake of the kids, do you suck it up and be unhappy hoping and praying that your sex drive will start to wane? Do you continue to take matters into your own hands until you’ve exhausted every masturbatory move known to man including several you’ve taken it upon yourself to invent? I recommend the “Under the leg, Tiger Claw hold” – patent pending. Do you consider taking anti-depressants just for the libido reducing side effect? Hell, I’m depressed anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone.
Yes, I am at fault for marrying my wife – I literally knew what bed I was making and chose to lie in it, so maybe I have no reason to complain. Even before the kids came along our sex drives were not aligned, but we worked on it. Sex was never an area where she was interested in making a investment or being adventuresome. Sure, she’ll spend three weeks looking to find the perfect sofa cushions, but two minutes to put on a piece of lingerie isn’t worth the time, it just comes off anyway. Although it just donned on me – maybe some role-playing is what we need. She can be the sexy interior decorator and I’ll dress up as the perfect antique coffee table – a perfect coffee table is HOT! - Queue porn music.
I am a good and considerate lover, always concentrating on her needs in the bedroom. I will happily go down on her for as long as she wants, and when I do the big O hits like a hammer. If that’s the case, why doesn’t she want it more often – I just don’t get it. If it feels that good, why not experience it al the time? No need for a special occasion, but if necessary we can create one, “A new bottle of shampoo! Hey great, let’s fuck!!” I know she may be self conscious about her body, but she’s beautiful to me. Message to my wife – you are the sexiest woman on the planet when you choose to be.
And no, I don’t look like Quasimodo – I’m actually in good shape, and the same weight I was when we were married o so long ago. And, I’m not one of these dipshit husbands that goes out with his friends to play video games until the wee hours of the morning – I don’t have any interest in an XBOX, I just want my wife’s box. Nope, I get it – I buy her flowers, I do the dishes, I work as a partner around the house. I express affection even when I’m not looking for sex – okay, I pretend I’m not looking for sex. I don’t have a drinking or drug problem, I’m not abusive, and I’m not a lazy piece of shit. No, I have a good job, I’m a good father, I’m reliable, responsible, and a really great guy - apparently humble too.. On the weekends I stay with the kids so she can get a break, – I sincerely appreciate what she does for us, but being a stay at home Mom doesn’t give her the right to neglect her husband.
Maybe I’ve just spent too long placing her needs ahead of my own that its become a paradigm that will be impossible to reverse. But you know what, I deserve better. I’m not asking for much just a little sex, and maybe taking the initiative to start something once in a while…or put 1% of the energy you spend on wanting other things (newer better house, new clothes, new body) to wanting your husband. And for the love of God, show some fucking creativity once in a while – I would be willing, make that eager, to try anything once. She won’t admit to it, but she’s got to have some kind of twisted fantasy buried deep inside – whatever it is, I’ll do it! “Honey, I hate to admit it but I’d love to paint your toenails and then beat you with a raw pork chop.” “Okay, do you want to use an extra lean cut or something with a lot of bone?”
I would throw this out there as a warning to my fellow man/woman – if sex is truly important to you, make sure you’re sexual soul mates. Don’t believe those discussions where your spouse says, “it’s not going to be different after we have kids,” because you know what – IT IS - and it’s really, really going to suck. After a couple of years you’ll feel like your soul is eroding – you’ll feel hurt, rejected, and very angry. After a while you’ll find yourself online, anonymously bitching to thousands of strangers. In the long run I know it will be worth it, being a father is an amazing experience, maybe the gain is worth the pain – but it’s a significant amount of pain. And, I’m just not a selfish enough prick to give up being able to see my kids on a daily basis just so I can get some action. Nope, I’m pretty much screwed.
Yes, communication is the key to any good relationship – unfortunately we’ve already communicated this to death. There’s just not much you can do when the answer to “what can I/We/anybody do to help you” is “I don’t know.” Talk to somebody, take a pill, push a button, just try something, anything. My sanity is slowly….slipping….away.
ARRGHHHHHHHH……..feel better, thanks. Flame on!