1. I use a fake name in Starbucks because it makes me laugh.
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2. While I'm waiting for my overpriced latte, I'll read the horoscopes. Mine, Taurus, is usually the most boring, so I'll adopt a different sign for the day. I love my Scorpio days the best.
3. I don't wear underwear and I have lousy short-term memory. I sometimes keep panties in my purse, in case I go shopping for jeans, but then I forget about them. There are now way too many people who've unintentionally and undeservedly seen my undies.
4. When I caught my ex with his mistress, I went on goodvibes.com and ordered all their top-selling vibrators. I'd always had a phobia about sex with machinery (what if it shorts and catches fire while it's near my hoo hoo?). But I figured I was never going to trust a man enough to have sex with one ever again. Thankfully, I was wrong but now I've got this closet full of vibrators....
5. Botox is causing my paralyzed forehead to slide down so I'm developing a Neanderthal brow. No more Botox.
6. I've had sex with someone young enough to be my son. Ick. But not as young as my son, thank God.
7. I wear men's hiking boots with everything -- even bike shorts. I'm just waiting for What Not To Wear to ambush me.
8. I love first dates. I hate every other date after that.
9. I once paid the electric bill for my sister's neighbor. I'd never even met her, but her 13-year old daughter told my sister the lights weren't working. I raced out of my son's music recital so that they'd have power for the weekend. A week later, mine was turned off because I'd forgotten to pay it. I forgot to pay my own electic bill.
10. I love my own breasts so much that sometimes I feel myself up in the car.
11. I laugh when bad things happen because I figure it's God messing with me. Get a flat in a bad neighborhood, I smile. Spill a full cup of coffee on me, I giggle. Walk into a pole, I absolutely dissolve in laughter. I look nuts.
12. I can't count. But I have an Accounting degree.
13. I want for nothing more in life than to win a "Best of" slot on CL. Sad, isn't it?
That's me -- just a little bit off.