I burst into tears as soon as the call ended. Why do you still do this to me? We've been separated over 5 years.
We are both with other people. It took me nearly 4 years to give myself to someone else physically. He's not even my type physically. There was very little physical attraction at first, but he's consistent, he's kind, he's driven & he's respectful - he has never even raised his voice to me, he has never denigrated me. He lifts me up & makes me feel like I deserve happiness. We have talked for a year, but still don't have titles, even though we talk every single day. He makes me feel sexy, like there's nothing wrong with me. I never feel like I'm in competition with anyone else. Do you see where I'm going with this?
It doesn't matter how much time passes...YOU are still there - in my mind, in my heart - hell, at one point even he said, "It sounds like you're not over him", but I had to ensure him that I was. I have tried to be. I really have. But a song, a thought, a memory...something always brings you back right to the front of my thoughts. Knowing someone who knows you certainly hasn't helped, because every time I even see his name, my brain goes to you. Every time I talk to him, I ask if he's talked to you. Hoping for some message. For some hope...or for something that will help me move on.
WHY do you still feel ingrained in my soul? You treated me TERRIBLY...and I couldn't have loved you more. You were my life, my heartbeat, my EVERYTHING. The good was SO good, but the bad was a fucking NIGHTMARE. You hurt me more than I will ever be able to articulate in words...I still feel that hurt, I still want to know why...but my God, I still feel the love too. Why can't I move on from you? You hurt me more than anyone ever has...yet my heart still remembers the love. I wasn't them - I was never going to be them or do the things they did - but you treated me like I had already wronged you, like you took out everything that THEY did on me. And terrible thing after terrible thing - I STILL kept loving you. Where did that get me? Destroyed by a man I loved more than anything.
Forty-five second phone calls aren't enough. I need to talk to you - completely unfettered. Without you hanging up until we both agree to end the call. And most importantly - I need YOU to talk to ME - really talk. I need to understand. Please help me understand.