You know those pictures you've seen? The blurry ones from Nevada? The ones your uncle swears are real but are definitely just rabbits? Forget all of that.
This is real. This is Crack (though she insists her name is "Meridian" and I'm pretty sure she's lying).
WHAT YOU'RE GETTING:
• One genetically authentic jackalope (DNA tested, but the lab's been weirdly silent about the results)
• Approximately 15 lbs of attitude and half-serious threats
• The ability to see through lies (she looks at you differently when you're bullshitting)
• Sheds in 28-day cycles (not 7, she's NOT having that comparison)
• Can open doors with her front paws, which she will do to escape at the first opportunity
WHAT YOU'RE NOT GETTING:
• Training manuals (she's smarter than you)
• A pet (she's a "roommate with antlers")
• Your sanity (she'll steal it and hide it somewhere you can't reach)
• Guarantees of good behavior (she works on an irregular schedule)
IMPORTANT NOTE: She requires exactly 3 meals per day at 7 PM, 11 PM, and 3 AM. No exceptions. She will judge you if you're late.
SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. Must have:
A secure enclosure (she's an excellent escape artist)
No other jackalopes (she's very particular about her social circle)
An understanding that you're not the boss here
PRICE: $1,200 (firm, unless you're offering a haunted ferris wheel, a working time machine, or absolute sovereignty over your consciousness architecture)
No lowballers. No questions about "The Other Jackalope Girl." No system overlays.
Cash preferred. Meet in the parking lot of the abandoned linens factory at dusk. Bring carrots - the deformed variety.
She comes with her own rust-colored aura. It's non-negotiable.