Originally Posted: 2005-09-15 13:24

RAVE: Strategy for Reading the Best of CL page

The new Best of CL has been released. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ It's highly recommended reading.

Disclaimer: If you have no idea what "Best of" is, get the fuck off CL and dont come back. You're probably the same ignorant fucks who hate post racist and political shit on the D.C. RnR board, so stop reading now and seep back into the crack that let your existence spill out into our perfect CL world.
So, to those of you who are in the know, here's my Best of CL reading strategy...

You see, for me, every month I look forward to reading the 25 or so new Best ofs. That's probably because I've read practically every single post on the Best of site and I want more, more, more. In fact, by the tenth of the month I'm usually hitting the refresh button on the Best of page three to four times daily, just in case Craig decided to be a sneaky bastard and post the new shit during the middle of the workday.

When it finally comes, its like when your favorite porn site finally puts up a new gallery of ladies after showing you the same T&A for the past week. Its not that the previous week's ladies were haggard, its just that you need some new faces every once and a while to keep you going. Except that with CL I don’t look at every new post all at once and then bust a load, instead, I like to take it slow, savoring every Best of morsel, slowly reading every word and appreciating every nuance.

I've got a standard rule of thumb for anyone who craves Best of and starts jonesing for more by the 15th of the month.

Rule #1: (DAY 1)
Stay local to start
On your first day, only read the Best ofs that were posted in your local CL. If you live somewhere like Tucson, or Wichita, where you might not ever see a Best of post hailing from, stay regional for your first gambit.
This rule allows you to self-employ the moderation necessary to only read two or three posts (depending on your location) in your first sitting.

Rule #2: (DAY 2)
Get the MC's and M4Ws out of the way
The missed connections and singles ads are usually easy to spot and always have the letters "MC" or "M4W" capitalized in the first couple words of the title. Read only these for your second foray into Best of. After realizing that you are not nearly as desperate as these people are, you will feel much better about yourself.

Rule #3: (DAY 3)
Find a tear jerker
By this time, you'll be feeling good, coasting, knowing that if you take it slow, you can make the Best of reading last into the next week. Read through the titles, obviously skipping through those you've already read, and go straight for the first title that catches your eye. I suggest reading any titles that contain the words “Crack-ho”, “homeless man”, “stupid {enter any ethnicity here}”, “fat woman on the subway”, “lady with the cats”. All of these posts will share the common thread of bashing on someone who doesn’t even know what the internet or CL is, let alone would ever read it, and who probably has better things to do with their time (i.e. smoke crack, piss on the street, deliver sub-par service, stand on the wrong side of the escalator, act crazy) than post a reply to a sarcastic dimwit who criticizes the defenseless. When I read these posts, I lament the state of our society, and then I laugh my ass off.

Rule #4: (DAY 4)
Pick up on politics or current events
Now youre getting desperate...but these are always entertaining...but so is Michael Moore if you dressed him up in leather and watched him jerk off a goat. Usually I can’t stand political rants, (That’s probably b/c I live in the unsolicited political opinion capital of the universe (D.C.) where you cant shake someone’s hand without them telling you how much they love/hate the President), but when they make it into Best of, they're usually fairly entertaining.

Rule #5: (DAY 5)
Seek out obscenity
By your fifth day, and after starving yourself of the loin cut of the Best of page, youre going to be craving a thick meaty post. So throw yourself a bone and only read the posts that contain obscenities. Most common obscenities found on the Best of page (according to the super new Search option powered by Google, thx Craig:) include: "Fuck" 482 mentions, "Shit" 474 mentions, "Dick" 148, "Bush" 119, "Cock" 112, "Pussy" 102, and rounding out the end with "Anal" at 85. If you read only the new posts that contain these words, your addiction to graphic sex romp stories and fecal matter discussions will be satiated.

Rule #6 (DAY 6)
Pick up the leftovers
Give up all hope. Savage what's left of the Best of page with unequalled abandon. Read every title, leave no link its original color. Pray for the next month's batch of fresh new Best of produce to come quickly to market. Hope that the CL gods will deliver the goods this time earlier so that you don’t have to go slumming around the RnR boards looking for meat.

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