Originally Posted: 2005-02-23 19:47 (no longer live)

10 Reasons I Put A Darwin Fish On My Car

or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Religious Right

10. I plan to cover my car in little silver ornaments in order to evade tickets from traffic cameras. Eventually, the entire car will be so shiny that the flash from red-light cameras, toll-booth cameras, and speeding cameras will make my license plate completely unreadable. Darwin fish is the first step in my evil plot to flaunt all traffic laws all the time.

9. It covers up the scratch that some asshat put on my trunk when he tried to break into my car. I drive a KIA for cryin' out loud. A Kia Sephia, with no air conditioning, no stereo, nothing of value anywhere in the car. The front end is dented from an accident where I sideswiped a guy, and the hood is all scratched up from an accident that I wasn't technically involved in, but the parts from the other two cars bounced across my hood, leaving scratches in the paint like some demonic cat clawed my hood. Plus, the little flap that opens to reveal the opening to my gas tank is bent. It doesn't close. I see it winking at me in my side-view mirror whenever I change lanes. It's taunting me. It says, "WHO WOULD POSSIBLY TRY TO BREAK INTO A CAR THIS CRAPPY AND LEAVE A SCRATCH ON THE TRUNK?" Darwin fish hides that.

8. Evolution is cool. I like the idea that the little birds I feed each morning had a Tyrannosaurus rex for a great-great-great-etc grandparent and might have eaten me for breakfast if things had gone differently.

7. Those Jesus fish people piss me off. They like to accost me in supermarket parking lots and demand that I remove my Darwin fish because it offends them. I'm offended by their pro-child bumper stickers, but I'm not asking them to remove them. And I'm certainly not demanding it, at the top of my lungs, in the middle of a parking lot.

6. It was a present from my brother, who bought it as a graduation present for me, now that I'm edumacated and I can understandify things like evolution. We did not come from apes. Apes and humans came from a common ancestor that was neither ape nor human.

5. God told me to. It helps him sort out the true Christians (i.e. those who follow the Golden Rule and love their neighbors as themselves) from the uptight, wannabe righteous Christians who feel that it's their purpose in life to make sure everyone acts in accordance with what they believe is the will of God.

4. I'm showing solidarity with the Christians. I fully support their right to put fish on their car, and I show my support by putting a fish on my own car. Fish on cars! Fish on cars!

3. I hope that my Darwin fish makes people think about what they're contributing to the world. If you're going to be in the gene pool, shouldn't you make sure you're fit to contribute? Mentally and physically? If a little fish pisses you off so much that you can't see straight, are you sure your priorities are in the right place? Are your kids better equipped to deal with the world than you are? Are you making sure that they can pass your genes on to the next generation so that a little bit of you can live forever? Are you making the world a better place for all your descendents? No? How very un-Christian of you!

2. I've met some really neat people because of my Darwin fish, and had some interesting conversations. I suppose it's like what the fish symbol did for early Christians, enabling them to recognize a kindred soul without fear of being persecuted. I like talking to people who come up to me and say, "Hey, nice fish!"

And my biggest reason for putting a Darwin fish on my car:

1. I think they're cute. Those little feet just make my heart go pitter-pat.

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