As many of you read back in June (6/7/04), I am still the Phantom Shitter. Although I had taken some time off, I want you to know, that much like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I AM BACK. First let me explain my departure. I had gotten two bonuses, which almost felt like raises (even though they were a one time deal) and I had gotten promoted. Promoted? Yes! I thought I would finally get that raise I had been entitled to, and lobbying for through my defecation terrorism. The 1st pay check of that raise came in last month. Four hundred motherfucking dollars! Not per week or per month. Per year!!! As a result, the Phantom Shitter has returned to my office, and boy is he pissed.
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I announced my return to my co-workers my taking a dump, and then using to the toilet paper to write “I’m back” in shit across the reception room. My boss saw this, yelled “oh fuck” and called the police.
The smell growing in the men’s locker room? You guessed it, I shat on a paper plate, placed it in one of the vented lockers, and slapped on a Master lock. That should fossilize in a few months.
The stained carpet in the main hallway? Me also. When I had diarrhea a few weekends ago, I drove to the office (making several stops along the way) at 3am. I stripped naked, and taking a page out of my dog’s playbook, crab-walked down the hallway while expelling a liquid stream of greenish shit. I am impressed with my own distance of 30+ feet.
It was me who dropped the corn-filled turds in not one, but all three of the boss’s coffee cups. Starbucks again motherfucker!!!
The missing fichus tree? Um, yeah, I definitely got it. What added to my enjoyment was that it took a week for the secretary to identify the cause of the smell. I had to laugh out loud when I saw that fichus hanging half out of the dumpster one morning.
The missing fish tank in the chief engineer’s office? I really let a man-sized turd go in that one. Rumor has it when the CE saw the poop floating near his now dead fish, he through the whole damn thing in the parking lot behind the office.
To allay suspicion, I even shat in my own trash can one night. One day’s unpleasantness is indeed a small price to pay for my continued activities.
It was me who shat on the portrait of the company founder. Only part of it rolled off when the picture was re-hung.
It was me that shit near the intake of our HVAC system.
It was me that crapped in the Executive bathroom’s urinal
And it will be me that does not stop until everyone here quits, or I get a damned raised, beyond the friggin COLA. I will keep you all updated as this progresses over the next few months.
The Phantom Shitter
this is in or around In your office (again)?