As an administrative assistant, I am imbued with all sorts of power. And with power comes responsibility. But I’ve failed you all, egregiously, in all sorts of ways. And mistakes from my past have come back to haunt me.
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You see, back when I was the mayor of Trenton, I elected to not pursue the idea of building more convention centers or hotels. This has led to a room shortage, which is why I haven’t placed you in your first choice hotel.
It gets worse. When I was the Vice President of Logistics for JetBlue, I chose to route all flights through JFK airport. It pains me greatly that you now have to change planes at what is apparently your least favorite airport in America. Incidentally, I also invented the hub-and-spoke system, the very reason people have to change planes in the first place. I wish I’d made all flights, everywhere, nonstop. Because that would make you happy. And that’s reason enough to overhaul air travel all over America.
I know your new computer’s ship date was delayed. Oh, how I wish I’d spoken up about these issues when I was on the board at Dell. After I retired at age 25 with a handsome pension, I forgot all about enforcing delivery schedules.
And those rude technicians from the phone company? Yeah, that’s my fault, too. I used to be their supervisor back in teh 80s, and I demoralized them to the point that they answer any question with the nonsense phrase, “plug and play.” I also sent them on repeated fact-finding missions to the Soviet Union, where they learned about customer service.
And let’s not get into that time I murdered my clone. Because if there were two of me, I might potentially be able to get to everything I am asked to do in a typical day.
So these failures and catastrophes have brought me to where I am today. An underpaid, rapidly burning out secretary/den mother who wishes her charges would just grow the hell up already.