I am a man of mixed ethnic background and mixed race. Both my parents are mixed also. My mom is white and black, and so is my dad. Both had mixed parents, as well. In addition, my mom is half Jewish and half Palestinian, (the Jewish side is from El Salvador), while my dad is half muslim and half Born-Again-Christian (the Born Again side is from Korea). As a result of this unique combination, I am a very special mix of race and ethnicity and find myself unable to relate to anyone and I am now cowering in a corner, shaking violently. My right side is caucasion, while my left side is African-American, though I prefer for my left side to be referred to as black. I was bar-mitzvahed at 13, but my father still made me go door to door trying to convert people to accept Jesus and adopt the Christian faith. When stories about the middle east come on the news, my mother goes back and forth saying things like, "We Jews need to establish as many settlements in the West Bank, OUR LAND, as we can so we Palestinians can blow them up!" I often find myself walking out in the morning wearing my Levi's Dockers pulled down just past the crack of my ass, my FILAS sneakers that are florescent orange and black, my yarmulke, a bible, and a giant clock-necklace made of gold that says, "Praise Allah!" on the hour. Then I get into my low-rider Forerunner with all of my siblings and cousins (there's 11 of us), put on a little salsa, and jam on down the road as slow as I can drive. But, it's not that easy once I'm out there...
When white people approach my left side, they act differenly compared to when they approach my right side, and vice versa. They start using expressions that they wouldn't normally use like, "You feel me?", "You mind if I ax you a question?", and "Yo, bro... whada you think about the new Outkast record?" But, then they invite my right side to parties and to the Hamptons. Black people will be really cool to my left side, and totally ignore my right side, unless they decide that want to embarass my right side by degrading and humiliating it, making it feel uptight and awkward. Sometimes they even mug my right side. Thankfully, my wallet is always in my left-back pocket... Regardless of getting robbed or not though, my Jewish side always whines that everyone is anti-semetic.
The problem is, I don't know how to act anymore because people treat me in very specific ways when they approach me, depending upon what trait they see or notice first. If I'm walking down the street at night and white people see my black side, they often cross the street, but not if they are facing my white side. Good, God-fearing Christians love to quote the bible with me, but as soon as my clock goes off, they run. I like to eat chitlins and matzah ball soup, but I also like to eat meatloaf and falafel. And I eat it all with white rice and black beans. I've been in several gangs over the years, 3 Latino gangs, 2 black gangs, and the AV club in high school. No matter what I do, I can't seem to feel like I'm a part of any one particular group. One thing's for sure though, everyone else seems really sure how to treat me. Depending of course on which side faces people, the following stats are revealed... My white side has been promoted several times, has no trouble getting a cab, and never goes to see a movie at Union Station. My black side gets offered a lower salary, gets pulled over all the time (unless I'm in England or in the passenger seat), and loves to talk loudly on the metro. But wait, there's more... I'm a hermaphrodite, too!