Ah, meee hand. Surely you love me, and I love thee. I remember when I used to stand facing a corner, wrap you around my back, and move my hands up and down, and tussle my hair, so that it looked like I was making out with a girl. We were so cool then. What happened to change those sweet, sweet, innocent days? Ah, the 7th grade, and boners.
Yes, we were an adventurous twosome. That year we got to touch our first boobie (yeah), and to experience the immeasurable joy of going down a girls pants. We also got to know what it was like to have a little premature accident. This led, in turn, to our own discoveries which have served us well lo these 16 additional years. We truly treated our body as a jungle gym.
We've met countless people (sorry for shaking all of your hands, but I didn't want to be rude) and Yes, I cheated on you with all those girls, and with the pillow once or twice, (and the one time the dog was licking me), but that wasn't love. It was youthful indiscretion, our Paris Hilton years if you will. In that time we've since gotten married, and while I initially used you a lot less that first year, once again I use you all the time now. (Who would have thunk that like fine wine your technique has only gotten better?). Yes, we two have grown older together, to the point like an old married couple we know just what the other likes. I remember to wear those soft jogging gloves when we went running on the WO&D trail today. And I even bought some hand lotion at the store (although we both enjoy that).
Yes you've been a good hand, so why the hell did you reach for that thing in the bathroom? I know you thought it was a condom machine (what with all the advertising about DC putting condoms in offices in the Post recently). And yes, it was unfortunate that the old blue hair happened to open the door, and say, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" at the very moment. Yes, I was slow to realize that this wasn't the men's room, but a tragic error of cosmic proportions and that I was so distracted I walked into the ladies room and grabbed a free tampon. But why did you have to hand it to her? If you had given me a few seconds I could have come up with something witty, like "Uh, I'm conducting a survey...." or "I noticed we were running low on these..." or something, anything. I just needed a few seconds to recover from the shock.
I just you to know that I still love you. Let's get our groove on tomorrow morning in the shower.... While the wife is sleeping... I'll bring the soap, you bring the handlotion... Making up is the best way to show you care.
(It is only OK to contact me if you are selling handlotion or Istoner gloves).