The Drinker's Guide to Dating - by Scott from Fairfax
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The Drinker's Guide to Dating - by Scott from Fairfax (24/devilishly handsome)
The women of Craigslist are fickle, they say
They want their men handsome, gentle, and kind,
In search of Prince Charming, they read want ads each day,
But, alas, only Tom, Dick, and Harry they find.
Before you give up on “Gorgeous and Tender”
Have faith! There is hope, and it comes in a mixer,
A bottle, a glass, a flask or a blender
A “Magical-Make-My-Man-Handsome-Elixir”
And so, I offer these Craigslist Libations
Concoctions to make me a bit more delicious
Some drinks to help us in our procreations
(These tall tales I warn you are purely fictitious)
With vodka, I look like young Harry Connick
(the guy who once starred on that show, “Will and Grace”)
But if you prefer a nice Gin & Tonic,
I’ll be built like Matt Damon with Ben Affleck’s face
Now if it’s a Morgan and Coke you favor,
I’ll look like Brad Pitt, though this comes with a warning
While coconut rum has a soft, supple flavor,
I’ll look more like Danny DeVito by morning.
Some women I’ve met can’t handle hard liquor
They favor “Coors Light” or some other cheap booze
And so I suggest that you “Live The High Life”
After this awful stuff, I resemble Tom Cruise
To get Ricky Martin, tequila and lime,
Denzel is a single-malt scotch over ice,
To get Colin Farrell, a Bailey’s works fine
George Clooney is bourbon (though brandy works nice)
Pierce Brosnan is a martini, you know
Shaken, not stirred, as James Bond would drink it
Will Smith is a glass of your favorite merlot
But that leads to hangovers named Jada Pinkett
Results, I’ll admit, are a bit unreliable
Vermouth, for example, yields Harrison Ford,
And though his good looks are quite undeniable,
If you want Richard Gere, I would stick with Chambord
And so I offer my final request:
To the women of Craigslist who clicked on this ad
Although when you’re drinking is when I look best
You should try me when sober, I’m really not bad.