I missed you on Friday night. Where were you buddy? I waited around for you for a long time, and you didn't show up. It was really a shame, because the party really wasn’t the same without you. In fact, I would say that it wasn’t much of a party at all, but more like a long, drawn-out round of humiliations galore. I mean, sure, there weren’t that many cute girls there, but at the end of the night, at least one said that she really needed you and was really disappointed that you were too good to make an appearance (I even defended you and said you were just too drunk to make it, but don't think I’m buying that load of bull shit: I’ve seen you drunker than that before, and we always have a blast!). You certainly aren't that shy when its just you and me. I looked for you in the bathroom, I fumbled for you in the dark, I couldn't even find you inside the Tuna Bowl. That is your favorite restaurant, isn't it? You could have at least had the courtesy to tell me you weren’t going to make it before I was relying on you!
Damn it, Erection, what the hell was wrong? You always seem to be around when I don’t need you: running into the bathroom before me in the morning, embarrassingly poking around when I get up from my cube at work. You’re always around when I’m trying to get some private time watching erotic videos. You think that isn’t uncomfortable for me to have you sit there staring at me?? You embarrassed the hell out of me in 6th grade pre-algebra, and you totally freaked out Adrian Beere when we were dancing together at graduation. Hell, you even showed up drunk at my grandmother’s funeral, for God’s sake. What the fuck? You ever hear of something called "tact" or "timing"? I was counting on you, bro. Everyone was hoping you’d be there, and you let me down. Its getting old!
Despite the anger, I do hope that I haven’t lost you forever. Please let me know if you are planning on showing up the next time I invite you out. ‘Cause if I can’t count on you, I met this other kid named Dildo who said he’s always ready to go out, booze it up, and party all night. He’s just sort of an embarrassment to be around sometimes. He lacks your discreet sensibilities to stay lost in the crowd, and, frankly, he just isn’t that fun to hang with.
Thanks, dude. Much love for all the good times we’ve shared, and hopefully you’ll be available the next time I call.