Originally Posted: 2005-05-03 14:55 (no longer live)

A Note to Women Shoppers Everywhere

Here is a guide to shopping in clothing stores:

-- When approaching a table of sweaters, where it appears that a staff member is about 95% done tidying up, it is advisable to ask said staff member to get the size you require. What is not advisable is to tear through recently tidied sweaters just to see what each colour looks like, in each size, after the staff member has offered her help and pointed out the mannequins on the table sporting the sweater.

-- If you ask the gal in the fitting rooms to recommend something to go with the pants you are trying on that are obviously 2 sizes too small, why not try on what she recommends instead of knocking down every single item she shows you and proceed to pick out the most heinous and inappropriate top that you can find to show off the rolls of gut and back fat hanging over your pants.

-- Don't bring your boyfriend in the fitting rooms. Just don't.

-- Here's what pisses off any cashier in an adult clothing store: PST-exempt. For those of you not in the know, children's clothing is PST-exempt, so if you are in an adult store and are buying clothing for your 14 year old daughter, you have to let the cashier know so you can get your instant tax credit, which involves providing your personal information to the government. It is NOT, however, and opportunity for you to save a couple of dollars on your purchase. No, the cashier does not love to see you come out of the fitting rooms with your stacks of clothing, all messy, unbuttoned, inside out... you flagging around your Louis Vuitton purse, 1.5 carats, and bad dye job, letting the poor cashier ring it all through, then sigh, "Oh, did I forget? That's non-tax!" Oh, and then get all worked up because you don't want to provide your personal information. I've got news for you lady, that purse is a knock-off and I hope he's sleeping with his secretary.

-- The staff turn the music off and shut the doors for a reason: the store is closed. This is your cue to...... Leave! (I know, who'd a thought....) The staff members grabbing their purses and coats, checking their voicemails, gossiping about boyfriends, that's also a cue the store is closed.

-- Do not try and return your worn and washed 20 times clothing. Your pit stains will give you up. Do not get mad at the cashier about it. Do you really think she decided on the return policy? Do you think she gives a shit? Also, don't attempt to return something from last year if the store has a 45-day return policy. As well, if you're exchanging something for the next size up because you never tried on those pants in the first place, please try on the next size up before buying them. Otherwise, the cashier will make a mental note of you and welcome your return the next weekend. Perhaps you were a size 2 in high school, but you haven't worked out in a year and you've had two kids. Buy the goddamn size 6.

-- Do not walk into a store and declare how ugly everything is. You would think the staff members are working there because they LIKE the clothing. It's true. And they know which of their stuff is ugly, because let's face it, every store has ugly stuff in it. But if you don't like the clothing, why are you in the store? Because you can't afford anything other than Siren's or Stitches' shit? Or maybe you want some skank ho stuff to wear to the bar? Yeah, I thought so.

-- A good portion of staff at any given clothing store are university students. This means they are most likely smarter than you. So don't treat them like shit because you think you're better off as some hot shot with a 9-5 job and benefits. One day, she'll be your boss.

-- Get off your FUCKING PHONE when you're paying for something (especially when doing it "non-tax") No, it's not cool to slap your visa down and yatter on to your pal Kiki about how you really need to switch manicurists because the last one did a crap job on filling your slutty-long acrylics. And, oh wait, I've got Dino on the other line, can you hold Kiki? What happenned to manners?

-- American women: Welcome to CANADA. In our fair country, we use this currency called CANADIAN DOLLARS. Stores are not banks. As a courtesy, stores often accept American currency at a ridiculously stupid exchange rate as their way of encouraging you to spend your money and fuck you up the ass at the same time. Do not be upset with them for not having American currency as change. Although they may hate you as most Canadians hate Americans in general (aren't we a sweet bunch?) they do not do this on purpose. Y'all come back real soon, y'hear.

-- Do not phone a store up telling them that last year .. sometime... um, you think it was the fall.. you spotted a pair of black pants.. or were they grey?... And ask if they still have them in your size and if they were on sale. Or maybe they could phone all over the country to the outlet locations to see if they could transfer them back in.

I could think of plenty more, but perhaps I'll save them for Rant Numero Deux.

post id: 71496019