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Originally Posted: 2006-08-10 17:30

Vote in the 1st Annual Turd-Off!

I hate my neighbor. Lately, her dog has started wandering over to my yard and SHITTING on my front lawn. If I were her, I would be laughing and praising the smart little fella, but I'm not her. And I'm definitely not laughing. Yet. I have gone to the city website that says it's very hard to enforce any animal waste ordinances unless I have photographic evidence of the dog in the act. This seems kinda perverse to me, and I wouldn't be caught dead playing Annie Liebowitz to Toto-mange. "Ok, now make love to the camera! That's it, work it, work it! Let me see you really push it! Once more, with feeling!"

So, I figured I'd get creative with teaching my neighbor a lesson, and this is where you come in. I hope to convey the importance of her cleaning up after her own dog. What better way to teach that lesson than to give her a taste of her own medicine?

Here are my ideas: please vote, or give me more ideas or improve upon the ones I've listed:
  1. Toss dookie back into her lawn -- must be placed randomly, in believable portions. She'll know there's human intervention if the logpile weighs more than its creator.
  2. Mail collective turds to her with a short-but-friendly "oops, I think this belongs to you" note. I'm not wedded to this idea because it costs money and, clearly, she's not worth it. Plus, it's illegal to send dog shit through the U.S. Postal Service unless it's for laboratory testing purposes. Don't ask me how I know this.
  3. Sprinkle pepper all over my lawn so Toto gets a snoutful the next time he takes his pre-dump location-scouting whiff.
  4. Canine biological artifact placement, or "Dogshitteus Strategus." Think of it like an Easter-egg hunt -- only Jesus isn't involved, and there's no joy in the discovery, and there is no egg, and no hunt, for that matter. This is where I arrange a couple of pieces of butt-candy on the back steps to her alley entrance. If she doesn't step in them on her way to the dumpster, she'll step in them on the way back to the house. This is what I affectionately call the "gift that keeps on giving."
Here are the rules:
  1. No animals can be harmed. Dog owners, however, are fair game.
  2. It can't be illegal. Apparently, stuffing dog turds into a mailbox is also a federal offense.
  3. It must have lasting impact, a lesson that triggers a "must scoop poop" response the next time her little Toto squats.
  4. The dookie must not touch my skin or any article I plan to keep.
  5. She must never suspect it's me.
  6. Don't even think about suggesting that I confront her. Never confront someone who has nothing to lose.
  7. I will not shit on her lawn. Effective, yes, but there's no need to escalate. And besides, DNA is with you FOREVER, man!

post id: 192643411