Originally Posted: 2006-05-29 14:54 (no longer live)

Rant: Some Advice from Your Criminal Defense Attorney

1. When a cop says to you, "anything you say can and will be used against you", that's your cue to shut the fuck up.

Whatever you do, don't say something stupid like:

"I only had two beers". In Arizona, DUI is impaired to the SLIGHTEST degree. Two brews will impair a 280 pound linebacker to the slighest degree, and will probably do the same to you.

"Why don't you arrest the real drunk drivers?" Seriously, wtf?

"I shot Larry in the head four times because he said my myspace page was 'gay'. The gun is under the driver's seat of my car, and I dumped his body in a wash five miles west of milepost 268 off the I-10." In most criminal cases, the strongest piece of evidence against a defendant is his confession. Remember, without your confession, often the prosecution has no case.

2. Don't give the cops permission to search your car!

If Officer Friendly is asking you if he can search your car, that means he has no right to search your car unless you give him permission; otherwise, he wouldn't be asking you for permission. Officer Friendly is not your friend. If your sack/glock/bloody glove is in the car (1) he will find it, (2) he will arrest you, and (3) you will call me and I will tell you that you should have Just Said No.

3. I am an excellent attorney, and my boss is a friggen genious, but there is often very little we can do to help you by the time we receive your case, as far as winning a "not guilty" verdict goes.

Just to clear things up, the following are NOT defenses to criminal

"I thought the cop was a prostitute."

"That crank was bunk, anyway."

"I just put my junk a little bit of the way in."

"I just dropped my truck off in the desert for 15 minutes. By the time I came back, someone must have accidently loaded 250 kilos in it."

"I didn't know that Kara_AZ_13 was really Dectective Uhall of the Tucson Police Department.

"But it was my first time."

The following are probably not defenses to crimes, but MAY be defenses:

"The bitch ain't even dead." If my file contains an autopsy report, I think the professional rules of conduct bar me from advancing The Bitch Ain't Dead defense.

"I take back what I said to Officer Friendly." Did the cop hold a gun to your head to make you talk? No. Did he forget to read you Miranda? No. Did you waive Miranda and talk to the cop? Yes. Then no take backs, sorry!!!

"I thought it was a regular brownie."

"It was just a butter knife."

"I can't believe it's not butter."

And now for the strong defenses:

"The cop had no reason to pull me over."

"I was asleep, and I've never sleep-walked before."

"The other guy was pointing a gun at me."

"I'm not Juan Rodriguez."

4. Thanks to a conservative Supreme Court and 25 years of tough on crime legislation (seriously, when have you heard of politician win on a 'soft on crime' platform?), the courts are no friends of criminal defendants. By the time you hire me as a lawyer the cards are stacked against you. Remember, 95 percent of the cases where the accused is charged with a crime will result in a criminal conviction.

My advice:

Don't commit crime!

If you choose to break the law, don't tell the cop about it, and don't let him search your car, okay?

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