Originally Posted: 2009-04-29 1:00pm

favorite this post "Ducks in a row, but splashing in puddles" ... best bot title EVER. - w4m

That being said, I sincerely apologize to the 32-year-old female poster who titled her ad as such, if it is in fact, a legitimate plea to find someone to have a “wild fun time” with. There’s nothing wrong with butt-splashing in puddles. Sounds pretty hot in fact. Makes me think of like… making out in the rain, but just… literally so much dirtier.

1st Runner Up: “My Life is my message” … What? That… would almost make sense if your ad actually included any relevant info whatsoever about your life. You cybertronic whore.

And finally, “i want a mac.” Simple. BAM! In yo’ face! She’s not fuckin’ around with that shit. But that one’s way too straightforward and "to the point" to be fake, and is henceforth disqualified from the runnings. I mean a real bot would totally be asking for a PC, right? Like a Mac would be compatible with a bot, let alone anything else…

Ok yeah, so… all shit-talking aside, I too am posting a lame sex ad. Feel free to make fun of it and/or my hypocrisy at any time. Also, to laugh heartily at my computer if and when you see it. So then, here I go. On to the gritty details. And when I say gritty, what I really mean is… not what it makes me think of in the context of a sex ad, which is sand in the vag. I should probably just find a word other than gritty, but alas… time’s a-wasting, and rewriting typically takes me longer than moving forward with rambling and verbose explanatory tangents. “Specific.” There we go. (Sorry).

I’m actually not looking for lame sex, as might be construed from my wording in the previous paragraph. Hot sex is more what I’m hoping for. Preferably with a kind-hearted hot guy. (I’m carnal enough to be fairly strongly attracted to people based on physical attributes alone, yet genuinely caring enough that admitting this makes me feel like a shallow no-good cum dumpster). But do not be discouraged! My preconceived notions of what’s attractive are fairly eclectic, and can be significantly magnified or diminished by personality/intelligence. I’m a total sucker for those who are artsy/musical/nerdy/overly-ponderous and/or so in love with life that the current state of it sometimes leaves them mildly depressed. Don't be emo though. Emotion is great. Emo is great for coping with being in high school.

That being said, I really just want someone to make out with at this point (preferably somewhat aggressively, or dare I say, "passionately?" like maybe up against a wall or something? ... and then of course whatever follows naturally from that), so personality isn’t so key as it would be if I were looking for some kind of long-term commitment deal, but still, it would be nice to at least be able to stand each other’s company, right?

About me: In relatively decent shape. Smaller a.k.a. “perky” boobs. “Healthy” butt. Shorter hair. Described as hot by people who know me, though it’s not in a way that causes strangers to readily approach me about it. Random. Dorky. Occasionally I smell like smoke. I may be a fire fighter. More likely a smoker. I'm doing my best to look older, but they just keep I.D.ing me and telling me how I look like I’m about 18. Whoever “they” are…

So then, my only definite stipulations for you are that you enjoy listening to music* during sex (or at any other time, preferably all the time), and will drink with me beforehand (at least initially if it becomes an ongoing thing) to get us loosened up a bit. And so that I don’t feel like a complete wino drinking by myself.

*I’m a bit of a music fiend, and thus would bet probably… 2 or 3 dollars on the fact that we have at least a small area of overlap in musical tastes, which in my opinion, is enough of a basis for even the most unlikely of friendships to blossom from. And so I’m still not ruling anyone out here, but I’m guessing that if you don’t enjoy at least one of the following artists or (to be read with a finger-quote motion) “genres,” you’re probably into things like kicking animals and donkey punching - funny in theory but not so much in practice – and we’d likely fight more often than fuck. And if you’re looking for casual fighting on craigslist, you’re probably already drunk, and would do well to aim that mouse a little more carefully at the “rants and raves” link. ;-)

(Alphabetized for your browsing convenience):
Bloc Party
Bob Dylan
David Bowie
Dr. Dog
Elliott Smith
Elvis Costello
Hot Chip
Neutral Milk Hotel
New Order
Pink Floyd
Pretty much anything found on a Wes Anderson soundtrack
Regina Spektor
The Arcade Fire
The Doves
The Ink Spots
The Kronos Quartet
Tom Waits
Vampire Weekend
“World” music

Please respond with:

1). A relatively clear face photo and any others you deem applicable.

2). Your height.

3). Times you’d generally be available for fucking one another’s brains out.

4). Your thoughts on a sex soundtrack lineup.

5). The actual number of artists I have in my music library if the number I have listed above (don’t include the “genres”) makes up 1 point six 4 nine7 for six to% of the total that iTunes claims I have, assuming that iTunes is semi-retarded and double-counts an average of 15 artists per letter of the alphabet for no apparent reason. And no that is not my disguised phone number. This is a real math problem and I expect a real answer. Bee-yatch. Please show your work or issue a verbal assault for asking you to solve such an asinine word problem on the last day of school when all you wanted was a good easy lay.

6). A brief explanation of why the verbs “lie” and “lay” are so commonly misused. Copy and paste it from a grammar website if you want, but do us both a favor and figure it out. So help me god if after laying each other down to fuck, we’re lying in bed together and you use the wrong word…

7). Some indication that you recognize and understand tongue-in-cheek.

8). Any other information you’d like to include – relevant or otherwise.

I promise I’ll respond accordingly. :D

  • Location: in or around your mom, UT
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

post id: 1146231200