Originally Posted: 2003-03-22 2:58pm

favorite this post Spring Cleaning, Expensive Garbage or Affordably Priced Pre-Antiques

Springtime Blues Got You Down? What better way to feed the superstructure than buy some used crap?

Here's a list of the shit you can have for the right price:

TOASTMASTER COFFEE MAKER-This little bastard was swooped up at Target Greatland in last year's epic 8.88 sale. It was such a legendary sale that I got into fisticuffs with Odysseus over a table lamp. This holy chalice of caffeine does not make you immortal, but it will make you feel exuberated with 12 full cups of "brown" heroin. Clean. Available now for 3 dollars.

NISSAN STAINLESS STEEL TRAVEL THERMOS-That last tasty deal probably made you thirsty, so you'll also want this handy thermos, which is good for carrying aforementioned coffee or black market plutonium. Pristine condition. Available for 3 dollars.

Buy both the Toastmaster and the Nissan Thermos, pay only 5 dollars. Ask for THE ROAD RAGE SPECIAL.

WOODEN ENDTABLE-Roughly 2 1/2 feet across by convenient shin-height high, this wooden coffee table is a conversation piece in itself, and that conversation usually begins with "Hey, what a piece of shit". Available for 2 dollars and a piece of cheese.

BLACK, SLEEK QUASI-GOOSENECK LAMP-9 out of every 10 shoplifters agree. This is the classic lamp used by hack mall security guards to attempt to exude authority, and the preferred method for psychos to burn their hands. This baby looks exceptionally good on the wooden endtable, especially when the light is off. A bargain at 4 dollars.

Buy both the Endtable and Lamp, pay only 5 dollars. Ask for THE EXECUTIVE.

FOLD-UP CARD TABLE-This rusty gem of a folding table folds into a table. Becomes 4 chairs and a wooden tabletop, great for summertime weenie roast or dangerous sex. Comes with its own soundtrack of creaks and unstable design. Tetanus included. When folded up, it looks like a shotgun case, so it's also a nice item to frighten your neighbors. 3 dollars for this bad boy. Order in the next hour and you'll receive 4 wicker placemats and a pepper grinder (pepper and batteries not included).

ANSWERING MACHINE FROM HELL-Satan's very own answering machine, this is made from the people of the vintage answering machine manufacturer, CallKeeper. Regardless of how nice you place your message, it will come out like Beelzebub himself. It's never too early for Halloween. Additional free feature: light will also be blinking every time you come home, even if nobody left a message. If you like your hopes shattered, you'll love Lucifer's answering machine. 2 dollars.

ALARM CLOCK FROM HEAVEN-God's very own alarm clock, the Dream Machine is mined by 8 year-old children in the mines of the Swiss Alps. AM/FM radio, along with both buzzer alarm, radio alarm, snooze, and timer options, this is great for the Joe on the Go who can afford a bottle of ratgut scotch but can't afford a fancy wake-up call. The only thing that's more satisfying being woken up to than the Dream Machine is a seizuring hooker. 3 dollars.

Order both the Answering Machine From Hell and the Alarm Clock From Heaven for 5 dollars, receive for free THE SPICE RACK FROM PURGATORY.

1 TWIN BED, 1 TWIN BED BOXSPRING, 1 METAL ROLLY BOTTOM THINGIE-Perfect for midget orgies or old-fashioned sleeping. This spring, add the gift of spring to your lower back. Put in your request for this bed now, before it ends up on El Camino Real you have to bribe a raccoon to move his family out. FREE if you pick this up.

13" COLOR TELEVISION-Admiral is world famous for their 13 inch TVs, and now you can just barely watch all those Ron Jeremy videos you've had to pry open and draw pictures of to get your rocks off. Unfortunately, the television does not come with a remote control, so this might be the perfect stocking stuffer for that aspiring film student who is doing something experimental with television sets, like throwing them off a bridge onto the broken television sets of film students who have come before them. 10 dollars.

AUDIOVOX VCR-Lets you both rewind and fast forward, not to mention play, VHS videotapes. Comes with remote. The only thing wrong with it is the intake is disabled, so you have to just jam the videotape in there, but does no harm to videotapes. This VCR has never been used for blackmail. 10 dollars.

Buy the VCR/TV combo for 20 dollars, and receive a VHS copy of the mega-blockbuster "The Sixth Sense", starring Bruce Willis and Donnie Wahlberg, in its original factory seal and just teeming with the desire to be blown apart with a shotgun at close range. Ask for THE SAM PECKINPAH.

BLACK ENTERTAINMENT CENTER-This is the marquee item of the bunch, bought originally at Target for around 100 smackers, and still in remarkable condition. I will disassemble the entertainment center and hand deliver the parts to you, instructions and hardware included, for free if the price is right and you are close to my house. Wonderful center for entertaining. 30 dollars.

Special deal: Buy all of my crap for 75 dollars or 50 dollars and some booze, or 75 dollars worth of booze, or 75 dollars worth of money and your empties.

Email me for more information.

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