Hi there. I'm that guy. The one that serves popcorn in a sweltering concession area, the guy that cleans up the massive amounts of garbage wherever people feel comfortable to leave it, the guy that sells you tickets, the guy that helps you when you have questions, and the guy that runs your movies. I do it all. Now, let's get a few things straight.
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I am in my mid twenties. I am not stupid. Why do I work in a movie theater? Because I need to pay my bills. I don't have a mommy or daddy to do that for me, they've been dead a long time. It's sort of sad, but I haven't really known what it's like to have a family since my early teens, so I'm over it. Believe me. In addition, I'm very independent. I'm proud of that. I'm proud that I don't depend on others, that I maintain rent and food money, utilties and loan repayments for schooling, and that I get temp jobs sometimes in addition to my job. I am not, by any means, stupid. If I was stupid, I would not be nearly so eloquent as I am. Keep your smart alleck comments to yourself if you're upset about something. Don't do the whole "do you understand me?" bit? I heard your problem and if I'm not busy helping other customers, I'm working on it, and as fast as I can. You sometimes have to wait. I'm sorry I'm not a robot or a genie, or a robot genie that can instantly give you whatever your irritating, expensive tailored suit wearing, fat heart desires.
Some tips for those of you who do not know how to behave in public, let alone my workplace:
In addition to not talking down to me as if I were some smaller mammalian form, it is also best not to yell at me because so and so told you your movie started at a certain time and they pointed you to the wrong theater. If you want to yell at someone, wouldn't it be logical to find this mystery person and yell at them rather than me? Because I'm quite good at directing people, but hey, we all make mistakes. Calm down, deep breaths, and fuck off if you don't think we're trying to help. We are there to help. Sometimes life throws you delays. Set an example for your kid who's staring at you in that creepy kid from the Ring-like stare. I hear more people yelling at me for this than anything and 9 times out of 10 it's because of something I had nothing to do with. You want to act like the crazy bums outside that yell at the voices in their head? That's your business. Go for it. I really don't care because it makes you look unreasonable. However it does create a scene which I don't care for. So remember. Just ask nicely. I'll tell you where you are, when your movie starts, etc. If you get that worked up, you'll just ruin the whole experience and your kid will wind up having therapy bills that far outweigh anything we could have done to sink your matinee priced family gathering.
To the mothers who ask me if the crappy ass kid film you are seeing is good...you know it's not. You're just toying with me now. Spy Kids is not good. What do you want me to say? It has the beginnings of a resigned Felligni, but really the diplomatic pace is more akin with such classic tales as seen from Weir? No, I'm sorry. Even if I were to say "Yeah, it's really good" the words from my mouth would burn a hole in my very soul. Don't ask. Just don't ask. You know the reason you're going is to shut your kids up or buy their love. That's all. That's it. Suck it up. It's very awkward, and I dislike lying. Yeah, it's great! And think about it, I'm an early twentysomething guy. There would most likely be something wrong with me if I got really excited about the movie your kid can't stop hopping up and down about. OH MY GOD! Sharkboy changed my life in ways I can't describe. Really. Except I'm lucky if I remember the name of the film you're seeing. You just want validation. You want me to tell you that that thirty bucks you just spent wasn't for nothing. Well it was and you're just going to have to live with that. Next!
To the customers that insist I fill up their icees that much more...it will explode. I'm not just saying that. I don't care if that one has been filled up a little bit more. Our new lids suck and constantly pop off. Ain't my fault, people. It's half a calorie you're missing out on. I don't care enough to have it spatter all over my face. Next!
To the assholes that complain about the mentally challenged people who sometimes do janitorial work for us. I have news for you. If it looks like a special duck, quacks like a special duck and picks itself clean of vermin in public like a special duck...guess what? It's special. I'm sure you have your complaints but my company gets a huge tax break by having them there and besides that, they're harmless. One day a week they come in and get to feel good about themselves and yeah, they can't answer your questions because that's not their job. Don't bitch about it. Try to have the compassion God gave a rattlesnake and suck it up. Next!
To the Crazy Rainbow Sock Guy that comes in and tells me that we should have rock concerts in the big theater. Um, no. Just, no. No no wrong no, not in a million years, no. I realize that you are marching to the beat of your own star system and that the mother ship will one day see you in your constant yellow pants/purple shirt/chartreuse vest wearing combination, and I realize you're harmless, and a nice guy, but most of your questions weird me out, period. Next!
To the Movie Tard/Comic Book Guy: NO ONE cares about your Jennifer Garner crush!! FUCKING NO ONE!!! If she met you she would use her mace or her bodyguard, that's why she has them. And I don't care that the Punisher isn't a "real superhero". I don't care that you don't like that Kingpin was black. I don't care about your stupid movie ideas. You live in your mom's basement, I can see it written on your greasy middle aged beard. Jennifer Garner wouldn't care, either. She really wouldn't. And she can't even act. Fucking Electra? The best movie you've seen in ages?? You have got to be fucking kidding me! It's fucking ELECTRA! And hey, I know you think you're clever, but really you're not, you're a putz. You're standin' in the main square of Loserville, and walking down Alone Forever Avenue. You know why? No, you're Movie Tard and you're clueless. But here's one clue. Don't start every conversation you try to start with "You know what sucks?" or "You know what's really stupid?" Yes, we do. Next!
To the old women who like to bitch about the nice comely girls that work for us while they're right there in front of you. They have ears. Shut up. You're old and bitter and jealous and complaining is what you do because you're unpleasant and it's all you have left. Next!
To the Bearded Woman: I hate you. I was changing posters outside one day and you fondled my ass. There's a reason you got banned, whore. And no, I don't want to see "your penis". I know you're excited about buying it, but I never want to picture you, or your oversized dildo EVER AGAIN. I have so many nightmares to bury it's not even funny...
Next. People who I have to kick out who think they can intimidate me. No. I have the power to kick you out because we're a business and we are indifferent to you if you make noise. That means we can lose money, poindexter. You think I'm afraid of you? Ha! I've dealt with so much worse it's not even funny. There's a reason why people clap when you and your ghetto ass friends are escorted out. Oooh, you're wearing a backwards cap and calling me homey? Guess what, junior? You're a white punk who grew up in the suburbs and I could kick your ass faster than you can say "sorry, man!" as I kick your pathetic wannabe ass to the curb. I could seriously mess you up if you even tried anything, not to mention the broom I carry with me can go far places. It can. Just try me, bitch. And you are not Jerry Seinfeld. Don't try to be funny and make fun of me because we are not only all laughing at you, we will be making fun of you for days. Now get the fuck out. Next.
People who have lines behind them and giggle and say "Oooh, I don't know what I want". Not funny. To me or anyone else, you people need to be sent into space along with the best of craigslist. Next.
People that do nothing while your kid licks various objects in the building. LOOK AT YOUR CHILD! HE IS LICKING THE WALL! Don't you find that the slightest bit disturbing? For fuck's sake, at least try to act mollified. Next.
People that come up to me in box office and say "Guess what, guys? Did you know the Army is hiring?" Really? Wow, no fucking SHIT, sherlock! Golly, I would but I'd rather just fuck you right now. Bend over and maybe I'll consider it. I'd just be getting a preview of what goes on in those barracks all the time, at least in my sordid imagination at least. Hey, guess what? The sky is blue! Did you know that guys? Next!
People who say the lines "How do you guys live with yourselves?" and mean it, not even in a joking way like some people say. You have no idea how often we hear this muttered or outright thrown in our faces by people who seriously mean it. Why, on a pile full of gold dubloons, of course! In my castle tower with my gumdrop turrets! Fuck off. Next!
People that assume they can use the bathroom and bitch us out and call us names when you can't. Sorry, not my policy but it makes sense. We lose track of you, you could go to a movie...unless you're pregnant I ain't letting you use the loo. Next.
People that point to what they want when I am in box and obviously can't see. You don't know the name of the movie? What is this, fucking charades? Is it a horse? Historical movie! Okay...war movie! No, no...not the Patiot. Okay...Zorro? No wait, that isn't out yet. Madagascar! No, not a lion. Well then I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Learn enough English just to name the movie and I will be a happy man.
That is all. Be kind and we will try to give you the best customer service we can. I hope to not work at a movie theater forever and one day I will have that cushy bank job where I get to make more money for doing less work than I do now, but until then...enjoy the show and have a good time.