Rant of a copy girl
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I make copies for a living. Black and white, color, oversize. I also laminate, bind, staple, 3-hole punch, fold, and any other various "copy girl" duties. I understand that alot of people can not identify with the job of a copy girl, because its a combination of waitress/cashier. I wait on you and then you pay. Need copies? Here are some rules to follow and things to avoid. Please bear with me as I have had a particularly annoying day so I am a bit more pissed off than I am on a regular day. I make copies for a living, I never said I could spell or use correct grammar. Just giving you a warning.
1. If you come to me 30 minutes before we close and need 10,000 fliers printed, its not going to happen. Don't tell me that it can. A machine can print 60 copies a minute. There are 60 minutes in an hour. 60x60=3,600 copies an hour. So as you can see, it will take over 2 hours to do that. (I have never been good at math, hence my being a copy girl, so my figures could be off--but you get the point.)
2. When I make a mistake, I pay for it. If you told me to make the copies 2 sided and I did not, I will apologize and correct the problem. You will not be charged for my mistake. However, if you are a fucking dumb ass and can not read the directions on the machine where it says "place copy in upper left hand corner--press start" and you put it in the upper right hand corner and press start...Well, you will pay for those copies and I reserve the right to call you a fucktard under my breath. Its only fair.
3. Ok, so you need 5 quick copies. Easy, in and out. So why on earth do you and 3 of your friends all need to pile out of the car and come in? You all get out, come in, watch me make the copies, and then 30 seconds later you all leave the store. How many douche nozzles does it take to make a copy?
4. If you don't understand how to use the self serve machines--ASK. That's what I am here for, to help. Why waste 5 minutes of your time staring at the machine like its some foreign object? To go along with item number 2, if you stand there and put your 50 pages in the auto feed face down (when it reads in big bold letters FACE UP) I will again call you a name and make you pay for them.
5. I get it, you need your copies and you need them quick. Like I said earlier, the machine only goes so fast. When I tell you the job will take about an hour, that is your cue to go get some coffee or do another errand and come back. When you proceed to stand at the counter and stare at me the whole time, you are not helping. Your not mind tricking the machine into going any faster. The only thing you are doing is pissing me off. I will probably gyp you on copies if you do this.
6. I've done this job for a long time. I know what I am doing. If I tell you that when you laminate that concert ticket it will turn black, I mean it. So, when you proceed to tell me you have done it before and it will be fine, you just look like a jack ass when I do it and it does in fact turn black. Still, you proceed to get mad at me. I know you have a small penis, but don't take your inadequacies out on the copy girl.
7. No your nasty ass snot nosed kids can not come behind the counter. Neither can you. Its not cute when little Jimmy is playing hide and seek and runs behind the counter. It will be cute when he chops off his cute little arm with the industrial cutter we have back here though. And you? Would you go to MacDonald's and order something and then go follow them behind the counter as they microwave your burger? NO. Don't do it to me. Again, I know what the fuck I am doing. Let me do it so I can get you the hell out of here.
8. Oh, you need a receipt for that 5 cent copy? No you don't. I will punch you in the face if you ask.
9. The prices for basic items are located on the door, on the counter, on the big fucking pricing board on the wall, and in the brochers we have. So when you ask me to make you 1,000 color copies, I am going to do it. If you don't ask me the price, I assume you know. Do you go to the McDonald's (I am hearting the McDonald's references today) drive thru and order a number 6 and then when they tell you the total say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much'? NO. You don't. You would be a piece of fuck if you did that. So when you look at me and say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much" I will just stare at you waiting for my money. McDonald's might be able to sell that burger, fries, or coke to another person. I probably wouldn't be able to sell your copies of 'The Everything Asparagus Cook Book' to the freakiest of freaks--And yes, someone really does come in here and make copies of that cook book. Its like 300 pages long and even includes asparagus ice cream....But anyhow, I am getting off of my rant.
10. I can not copy that book for you. I mean, physically I can, but legally--well, its illegal. Do you know what copyright is? It means, its not yours to copy without permission. Also there is a list of things that are illegal to color copy, such as money and drivers license. I realize that maybe you don't know that, but I just fucking told you. So now you know. Asking me why not just makes me want to kick your ass.
11. This is not an auto dealership. You can not try and bargain the price down. Why someone would do that is beyond what I could think up. We have a price list. We go down in price the more you get. What don't you understand?
12. When you hand me your shitty papers to be copied, don't say "don't read that information, its private." Well sir, I really did want to read your letter to your girlfriend about your infatuation with fucking sheep because it fascinates me to no end--But since you asked so nicely, I will try ever so hard to tear myself away from reading about whatever piece of shit it is that you are copying. I don't give a fuck if you are copying pictures of a dildo hanging out of your ass. I could care less. I just want to take your money.
Ok, I feel much better. Thanks for listening CL....One more tip. If you are one of the people who doesn't act like a socially retarded fucker, I will remember that. I will give you a cheaper price, or give you 10 extra copies of your flier for your lost kitty kat. Meow.
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