Originally Posted: 2005-05-06 12:37pm

favorite this post A User's Manual for Craigslist M4W Personal Ads

If you’ve spent more than five minutes perusing the personals ads on Craiglist, you’ve most likely come across one of the guys listed below. Perhaps you’ve even dated one or two of them. Or wish you hadn’t.

The “Tall, Dark & Handsome” Guy
Taking advantage of the fact that 99.9% of the female population on Craigslist prefers a guy who is over 6ft tall with dark brown hair and chiseled features, this guy makes certain that everyone knows just how tall, dark and handsome he really is. In fact, he’ll tell you about it at least twice in his ad. Sure, he’s tall (or at least willing to lie about it). And yes, he might be dark (thanks to spray-on tanning at Brown Sugar). But handsome is an entirely different matter altogether. First of all, what kind of clueless moron goes around describing himself as “handsome”? I sure as hell don’t. But then again, I’m not tall or dark either, so maybe I’m not cool enough to pull it off. Regardless, be prepared for a big letdown when you meet this guy and he’s all of things he described and proceeds to play you like a violin, or he in fact turns out to be short, pale and ugly and figured you would just happen to overlook this once you meet him and his award-winning personality.

The Nice Guy (also known as the “Good Guy”)
Any guy who voluntarily describes himself as a “nice guy” or a “good guy” deserves a good assbeating Yes, it’s good to be nice, and it’s nice to be good. That doesn’t mean you have to walk around town like a fuckin’ doormat and put your own needs at the mercy of everyone else. That’s not nice. It’s just friggin’ stupid. And a sure fire way to get taken advantage of. You can spot these guys a mile away with their Supercuts hairstyle, clothes from Mervyns that their Mom bought, and dirty Nike tennis shoes that they wear with everything. They’re actually really nice guys (really…they are!), but beneath the surface, there’s a lot of rage thanks to years of abuse and being taken advantage of.

The Married “NSA” Guy
No, “NSA” does not mean he works for NASA, despite what he might tell you. Most likely residing in an upscale suburb like Orinda or Burlingame, the Married guy works downtown in the Financial District in some mid-level VP position, and hasn’t had sex with his wife since the early 90s when drinking Zima was the cool thing to do. Before the popularity of websites like Craigslist, he could often be found at various happy hour spots downtown trying to get in the pants of young marketing assistants by offering them Kamikaze shots and Appletinis. Now that he can take his game online, it’s a whole new ballgame. If he’s a smart one, he’ll sometimes disguise the fact that he’s married until you’ve fallen head over heels for him. The dumbasses of the group won’t even bother taking their wedding ring off when they go to meet you at Chevy’s for some margaritas. Also be prepared for plenty of cheap motel sex and empty promises of how he’s ready to leave his wife.

The $eeking a $exy Lady Guy
Despite his best efforts to be witty, everyone knows that this guy is really some pathetic loser who can't get laid unless he offers up a wad of cash for someone to suck his limp dick. The common misperception is that this guy must be fat and ugly (and also rich), but there's a decent chance he's an ordinary looking guy on the surface who has the complete inability to relate to women as anything but sexual objects. And his roll of Benjamins can be traced back to his home address...otherwise known as the basement at his parents house down in San Jose.

This guy probably has an AOL account, never went to college, works at Mike’s Auto Body, and hangs out in North Beach on the weekends at DA CLUBZ. For some reason, the Caps Lock is permanently on, and you’re stuck reading his inane babbling about God knows what. He probably voted Republican in the last two elections (assuming he voted), and thinks that there must be something in the water in San Francisco that makes people gay. Since this guy lives out in Concord or Antioch, chances are you’ll never have the privilege of meeting him unless you also hang out at Velvet Lounge and like to type in ALL CAPS.

The Reverse Psychology Guy
This guy thinks he’s being really slick by explicitly stating that he DOES NOT want to have sex with you. Yeah right, and I’m the new fuckin’ Pope. Chances are this guy can’t keep his dick in his pants longer than five minutes and thinks coffee at Starbucks is an invitation to go back to your place and “get it on.” Of course, the entire time you are on a date with this guy, he will protest that he really doesn’t want to get laid, but after you end the date prematurely (because he’ll also be premature with something else), he’ll get all pissy and go back to Craigslist and post an ad on Rants and Raves bitching about dinner whores and how he got taken for a ride. Yep, this guy definitely doesn’t want to get laid.

The Drinks Guy
Often appearing on Friday afternoons, the “let’s get drinks” guy is one of two things. He’s either a regular guy who’s sick of drinking with his alcoholic frat boy friends from college who still think it’s cool to do Jager shots at BarNone, or he’s the kind of guy that actually does Jager shots and thinks that a few drinks is the easiest way to get in your pants. There’s really no way to tell which one he is until he’s either passed out in a puddle of vomit on your doorstep or you end the evening surprised that you met someone normal (thank you beergoggles). He’s probably also one of the most fun type of guys to hang out with from Craigslist, but is a future candidate for AA and has an aversion to relationships lasting longer than three weeks (about the same amount of time it takes you figure out he isn’t really that funny).

The Resume Guy
Sporting a resume full of accomplishments longer than some novels, this guy feels that it is necessary to let you know how many degrees when he is posting his ad. Somehow this makes a person more interesting in the world of online dating, because you figure if the dude has a PhD in Avian Sciences and a law degree from Stanford, he can’t be that bad. Right? Wrong! Most likely this guy is so full of himself (as well as full of shit), that his presence is unbearable after two minutes. Quoting Hemingway and using words like “esoteric” does not make a person educated. It only illustrates how much of a pompous ass you are. And if you were actually to dig beneath the surface, chances are this guy never even completed a Bachelors degree, let alone an MD.

The Bad Boy Guy
Since everyone likes a bad boy, especially the guy who looks like he just got out of prison and has a shaved head with goatee, this guy lets everyone know that he’s a bad boy at heart with a soft side waiting to come out for the right “lady.” Chances are that “soft side” is really the soft side of his hand after he smacks you around for talking to another guy (i.e. the waiter) after you’ve gotten hooked on his con-artist charm and rugged looking mug. Of course, after it’s over, he’ll promise it will never happen again (at least until tomorrow anyway), and the cycle begins anew.

The Cuddler
Much like the reverse psychology guy, the Cuddler is a total bullshit artist who thinks that inviting you over to his house to “cuddle” somehow makes his desperate pleas for sex more appealing. After all, he just wants to cuddle. If you actually fall for this one, be prepared for months of stalking which will include nasty emails, late night phone calls from blocked numbers, and the inevitable restraining order.

The “SAF” Guy
This guy is a huge dork who probably works in the IT department and plays Halo on the Xbox every night. Despite loud protestations that he is attracted to Asian women because of the Asian culture, he really just can’t get laid and figures he has a better shot with Asian girls (hey, it worked for his buddy over at Cisco!). This guy is easily spotted on the street sporting pale skin, a huge beer belly thanks to late night pizza at the office, and the meek Asian girlfriend who speaks broken English.

These are only a few of the many Craigslist personal ad celebrities making a daily appearance on your favorite place to kill time while at work.

Happy Friday!

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