San Francisco, Ca. (AP) - In a groundbreaking revelation that has politicos from Walla Walla to Minami-ashigara rejoicing with pee-in-their-pants fervor, it was announced today that the users of a popular web site in this tech-savvy metropolis have saved the Earth’s soul.
After dozens of months of debate on topics ranging from the general (racism, sexism, cock-to-feet ratios) to the specific (the mystery of Gorgeous Guy), this motley crew of mostly unemployed bike messengers and Asian women has managed to decode the mysteries of the universe, diverting the human race from its path to inevitable destruction and giving us all a second lease on life.
“It was really incredible to see,” said Michael Simmons, 28, of the Mission. “Out of all this noise the answer just sort of emerged and, like, just jumped out into our faces, you know? They finally managed to organize a united front against, you know, all the bad stuff that’s out there.”
Experts believe the collective wisdom embodied in the revelation will eradicate famine, cancer, rude foreigners, cultural pride, kindness from strangers to strangers, big government, little government, advertising, business, road rage, unbecoming toe nails, and a countless litany of other horrible plights threatening to destroy the planet. In a speech outlining the new and improved Earth, a Craig’s List representative, who identified himself only as anon-8759348, insisted everyone would be pleased as punch when things get turned around.
“I was just sick of all the shit,” said 8579348. “The regular shit is done for, and now you can count on us to start building Utopia, yo. Trust me.”
The reaction has been insurmountably positive. Militia groups have emerged from their bunkers, fat people have rolled over to see what all the commotion is about, French people showered, and Marina girls everywhere seemed ready to just get their freak on with no expectations of fiscal ramifications.
“I can’t believe we lived in the dark for so long,” screamed Kim Liddle, a normally self-absorbed advertising executive assistant, as she sipped alcohol-free champagne in a spontaneous street celebration in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. “Now everybody can see how cool it is to have your eyes opened! I wanna shout out to my girls in Darien! The suffering is over!”
U.S. President George Bush declared Craig’s List to be his “new homepage” and said a golf outing with Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is already in the works.
“Why did we not see the truth?” asked Bush in a written statement. “I fear it was the truth that was hiding from us, and not the other way around. It’s like my granddaddy used to say, some days you have to use butter, other days, you can’t fool us.”