"First Name Basis" Relationships I'd Like to Discontinue
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I've never been one of those people who feel they have "enough" friends, and I consider myself to be an outgoing person who enjoys meeting new people. But lately I have noticed that I have a lot of associations in my life that have evolved into a "first name basis", and I am having a really hard time with it. I know that I can't formally go up to you people and say, "Please ignore me from now on," but I am hopeful that you will read this and know who you are, so that we can enjoy the mutual understanding that our relationship really isn't as close as referring to each other by our first names.
1. Constantine, in the garage at my office - Dude, you are great, and I appreciate that my car looks the way it did when I left it with you. But I am OUT of small talk, and to be honest I am pretty sure you don't understand it anyway. I saw other people ignoring you when you tried to engage them, and I guess it's my fault for not doing the same. I don't watch enough sports for you, and frankly I think you judge me when I tell you what I am doing on the weekend. Finally, sometimes I am LATE, and you make me feel like a dick when I do the nod and toss you the keys...I SWEAR, you take it personally. Get over yourself.
2. Gabrielle, hot chick in my building - Trust me, if I was not in a relationship, hearing you say my name would be the best part of my day. And to be honest it still is...right up until I catch my girlfriend in my peripheral vision, scanning my reaction for any sign that I think you are hot. And the incidental touching in the elevator...one of these times you are going to do that in front of my girlfriend and pull back a stump. All of this would be cool, by the way, if you could at least REMEMBER HER NAME TOO!! The way you roll your eyes, and say, "Oh my god, I ALWAYS forget your name!" is no doubt making her think that I am bringing home chicks by the boatload, and there are too many names for you to remember. Yeah, I definitely ride the couch on those nights. So no more first name basis...but please continue to wear short skirts and open-toed shoes.
3. Alfred, guy at the adult book store near my place - When the fuck did this happen??? I rent a couple movies, and return them late...two weeks later I walk in and grab a couple more movies. You look at me, squint, and say, "John, right?". NOW I walk in there, and you are pointing out things I might like as you re-stack the shelves. Please tell me your computer systems are NOT so sophisticated that you are developing a pattern of what I like and dislike in my porn...which means you are just telling me what you liked, and that is not cool. Do you think I reminisce with my guy friends about porn?? Not to mention the time my girlfriend was drunk and thought it would be fun to go get something for the both of us in your shop...I had to say no a couple of times because I was afraid that you would greet me with a big "JOHN!!" when I walked in, and she would think I was a pervert. Now she thinks I am a prude, which is far worse. Just ignore me dude!
4. Indian IT guy at my office, whose name is pretty much impossible to pronounce correctly - I know this sounds bad, but part of being an American is getting a nickname when your real name is too difficult to pronounce. You see me in the hall, and say hello, and DARE me to try to say your name. I DON'T, and then you go back to wherever it is your group dwells, and you tell the other Indian IT guys what a dick I am for not taking the time to learn to pronounce your 36-letter first name. I wouldn't be surprised if there were oomlots, a percentage sign and a number in your first name. Keep saying hi to me in the halls, and you are going to be "Jugdish" from now on...tell me THAT won't catch on in the office!
5. Anyone who calls me at home after work to try to sell me something - You are NOT my friend, and I am so not going to buy anything from you, so blow it out yer o-ring. And here's a little secret...I am on to your game. I have attended seminars and tradeshows under assumed names, specifically so that I know who is selling their phone list to whom. So the next time you have a "Frederick Von Peckerstein" on your call sheet, before you ask if you can "call me Fred", think it through. Oh, and PLEASE please, put me on hold before you actually speak to me, I'll stay on the line, I promise. Beezers...
6. Estrella, Maria, Greta and one other woman at Safeway - I plug in my phone number for my Safeway Card discounts...only problem is I am too lazy to change the information, and it is my ex-girlfriend's card (still waiting for a "thank you" boink for all of the frequent flier miles I am helping you get). So at the end of the transaction, you brainiacs look at the receipt, look me in the face, and say, "Thank you, Barbara". That's just lame.
Thank you all, and remember, it's not you, it's me.