Since without really trying I seem to be repeating the past, ad infinitum, and ending up with men who later divulge revolting secrets or tendencies that creepily resemble one another, I have decided instead to just look for what I am always surprised to find. At least I won’t be shocked when you show me your pylon-sized butt plug or request to suck on my tampon.
Are you:
- Secretly homosexual/interested in my best friend?
- Addicted to bestiality porn?
- Someday going to make me fist you before we go out to dinner?
- Incapable of wiping your ass before leaving your drawers on my carpet?
Do you:
- Kick your girlfriend out of bed so that your cat can sleep there instead?
- Own a home with your mother?
- Refer to Shakespeare as the “Bard”?
- Use deodorant on your wing-wang?
Have you:
- Ever stalked a woman by leaving bars of homemade soap on her doorstep?
- Asked a woman what kind of luxury car she most resembles, emotionally?
- Worn a kilt on a first date then sobbed uncontrollably while listening to Billy Ocean?
- Fantasized sexually about your sister then told someone, e.g. your partner, and expected her to take this news in stride?
Will you:
- Pay for prostitutes using my American Express?
- Scream at me when I am late for drinks at fucking Applebee’s?
- Shit in the bed and blame it on the dog?
- Completely cease all manner of personal hygiene, especially aspects of nail care, once we enter a commitment phase? (I love a man whose toenails click on the tile)
If the above describes you, please contact me. Please note that my next menstrual cycle is scheduled to begin in 12 days.