Originally Posted: 2005-01-21 11:05 (no longer live)
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Dear Ex-Boyfriend, It's Boring To Stalk You Now

Dearest Ex-Boyfriend,

I'm sorry to say, but it's become boring to stalk you. Your e-mail account, once peppered with love notes from the girl you cheated on me with, is now just a haven for random, two-sentence discussions with ex-roommates about what you ate for dinner and how frickin' cold it is outside.

I suppose I shouldn't expect much from somebody who has had the same e-mail password for two years. On the off chance that it is changed, it's only to another easily deciphered, crap indie rock band. But on the days when interacting with the world would become tiresome, your sappy love notes to SLS (stupid little s*ut) were like my own personal soap opera. Though I was sad that you were no longer my boyfriend and I would not have the honor of being constantly berated for listening to top 40 music or listening to your constant whining, your brief "i want to squeeze your tush" messages were entertaining in a twisted way.

Even better, however, were the notes to your friends detailing incidents of cheating on SLS too. Or the random, purple-haired girls you met at "shows" who showed you a good time one night and then e-mailed to say "thanks." I was tempted to forward these messages on to SLS many a time, but logic begged restraint, so I held steadfastly to (a bottle of gin and) the principle that what goes around, comes around.

Apparently, good sir, it has come around. Though your actions didn't really show it, you apparently really had feelings for SLS. So when she announced that you were a drama queen and she was getting back together with her ex-boyfriend, you took it pretty hard. You wrote e-mails to female friends you'd ignored for months, complaining about how "it hurts" and how you "couldn't believe it" and no doubt sobbed for hours into your fraying He-Man sheets.

This too was also like a good soap opera (like when Hope came back from the dead on 'Days' and broke up Bo and Billie ... sort of). But it seems SLS has stolen your spark. There are no messages from purple-haired girls anymore -- just war protest forwards from chubby, bespeckled (sp?) friends, grammatically challenged requests for drunken binges from college buddies and the occasional, "did you get my message" alerts from mom.

So sad. I'm not even tempted to call your cell phone and erase your messages anymore or to try to crack into SLS' e-mail account. As you have no drive to be exciting, I have no drive to share in your misery.

And so I bid you adieu, boring ex-boyfriend. May you one day provide some electronic happiness for another tech-savvy ex-girlfriend.



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