yes, i am one of those. i get paid chicken bones to do the work that those old, house-owning got-a-degree-in-1968 bastards are too good to do. what you all don’t know, is that income is not synonymous with intelligence. i may be taking 5 years to finish a night-time community college transfer into a university, but i am still smarter than you. i can point to chechnya on a map. i know that sodium-laurel-sulfate causes canker sores. i know the roots of the word ‘platonic’ (it is not ‘plutonic’ asshole – although that is a word, you are using it out of context). i could brief you on kant’s categorical imperative (which, by the way, is utilitarian you moral imperative humping dolts) or the origins of the bolshevik revolution. but the saddest thing is, while you may know the mileage of the 2005 model lexus or how to get a costco membership, you cannot figure out how to forward an email or make a pot of coffee in my absence. because my next raise is contingent on my level of compliance and the width of my phony smile, i would just like to get a few things out on craigslist:
1. quit bitching about the diet coke. our vendor delivers once a month, and once a month only. if you are stuck drinking diet pepsi for two days, before a delivery, no one cares. similar to sodium-laurel-sulfate causing canker sores, carbonic acid causes cavities. i do not want to see my dental insurance premium go up because you feel the need to pound 8 diet cokes a day.
2. we should not be submitting more expense reports than billings. not only are the quantity of expense reports higher than the quantity of billings, but the cost of your expenses are more than we book in revenue. my low pay band will have me kicking rocks out the door, pink slip clutched in hand, with a mere two weeks of severance. you on the other hand, you will score the severance jackpot and probably take a vacation to hawaii (yuppies are so original) and start filling your four cars with 89 octane fuel instead of 87 in celebration. short story long – sell something. please. i need a job.
3. there is hardly a difference between fine and medium point pens. i do not want to have to fork over a $30 delivery fee so our vendor can bring a box of medium point pens. besides, you don’t write anything. i even forge your name for you on business letters. and i prefer fine point.
4. when you have a business/networking meeting, there is no fucking reason to drink soda out of wine glasses. do you have to wash them? no. i do asshole. get over yourself.
5. do you realize that when you pick up your phone to leave me a voicemail with details about a lunch meeting, asking me to make reservations, that you are taking more time than it would take to just call the fucking restaurant yourself? same thing goes when you bring a lame magazine to my desk and ask me to make 1 copy. the copy machine is the same distance as my desk from your office.
6. you think our internet connection is too slow? work from home! make us both happy.
7. do not bitch about the candy jar. i cannot stand watching you sit over it, ripping through wrappers, digging for snickers, and snorting and snarling while you chew and swallow. that’s bad enough. but when you blame me for putting it there and making you fat, i want to rip my hair out.
8. its bad enough that i have to do your expense reports, but what the fuck makes you think you can expense a purchase at von’s? your groceries are not the company’s responsibility. remember, my bonus (like haha) is contingent on keeping operating costs low.
9. no, i will not go to the mall and buy your wife a hanukkah present. oh wait, you’ll give me MONEY to do it? the assumed that in the first place, fuckwad. the answer is still no.
10. i do not want to pick you up something to eat on my lunch break. even if you give me money to buy it. my lunch breaks are spent chain smoking in my car and pretending that you don’t exist.
and for all of you bosses who think you shit crystals for throwing a box of whitman’s chocolates at your admin on secretary’s day, they feel the same way i do. we hate you.