Originally Posted: 2005-01-01 2:39pm
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favorite this post Couch, Chair, Ottoman, plus free Cat Kit hide this posting unhide

When I sold my Haunted Desk for $5 on Craigslist over two years ago, I ended up meeting a spectacular woman who slowly bent me into a monogamous shape and continues to rock my world and is especially adept at consistently phenomenal nookie.

While I had no expectation of those results then, such r. now would be unthinkably complicated and would instantly land me in the soup. Thus, in this round of Furniture For Sale From The Days Of My Marriage, the prices are a bit higher.

Consider this lovely set. Originally from Pier 1 Imports, the ‘Pampas’ collection is an ultra-light, ultra comfy addition to any home. Well, virtually any home; my ex-wife quickly banished all pieces to the garage in favor of an overstuffed badly-patterned French Country monstrosity with built-in recliner. I can attest to the coziness and width of the couch’s foam cushions, too; even a large man like myself (6’2”, 200lbs) can crash out on it if, say, banished from the bedroom and sent to look for sleeping arrangements elsewhere, for instance, the garage.

The chair is equally comfortable, and both pieces have nice wide arms, which is exceedingly perfect for a cat to perch on as you read your favorite book. The cat is allowed to be aloof and yet present, without actually being IN y.f.b. Unfortunately, as you can see in the photos, my own cat has taken a great interest in this particular Pampas collection. Rosco, The Cat Of A Thousand Issues, expressed his need for a scratching post by perforating both the arm of the chair and the couch, and has contributed all of the cat hair still on the set, which makes up the Free Make-Your-Own Cat Kit. Simply gather all the hair together, add glue, and say “Meow!” I have more Rosco hair available if you make a mistake.

There are also mysterious stains, of which I can only assure you they are NOT bodily fluids of any kind or species, and the upholstery in general is unevenly faded, the result of being liberated from the Garage of Death and enshrined for several years in the Fortress of Romantic Solitude, which has a southern exposure.

Really the best thing of all would be to either A) Take this furniture to Burning Man or maybe the beach, or B) make artful use of slipcovers or small blankets (my strategy to date), or C) re-upholster everything. In addition to being comfy, all pieces are built on high-impact plastic frames, which means they’re sturdy but INCREDIBLY light. Which means easy to move, esp. if you have stairs.

I have more items for sale, but this post is already long enough. Be sure to look for the Oak Table My Ex-Wife Burned With Cookies Fresh From The Oven, and, for you gardeners, Ferdinand the Fucked-Up Ficus.

Oh, and it’s best not to ask about the train tracks and the giant cupcake. Just take some Tylenol and buy the furniture.

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