Originally Posted: 2008-01-02 17:05 (no longer live)

Star Wars Guide to the Candidates

Hello America!

As you may know, 2008 is going to be a g-rate year. I am so excited! There is to be a presidential election this year! Hoo-ray! Exciting times, exciting times. And whoa... so confusing! So much talking, so much anal-yzing, so much research to do to be sure the person who wins your vote truly reflects your values and goals for the executive of this g-rate nation.

Man, it's going to be tough.

Well, this is for those of you who say "To heck with that!" and are more interested in voting for a candidate based on snap judgments and small pop culture sound bites. For those of you who think it might be fun to vote somewhat randomly and therefore completely obliterate the careful work of concerned and involved citizens... I mean really, look how Bush turned out... can you really expect these people to act predictably based on what they say in the election cycle? Heck no!

So without further a-doo-doo, here is your

Mighty Rex Star Wars Guide to The Candidates

"My friends..."

Darth McCain

I had to get this one out of the way right from the top, because I know some of you were thinking "Hey, Vader being a powerful black man..." but NO! You need to drop those stereotypes, mister! Obama isn't remotely like Vader, and besides, as we learned in Episode VI, Vader was a cracker! Heavily scarred by traumatic experiences, torture, manipulation, the 2000 Republican primaries... he has the reputation of a "maverick"... remember the arbitrary slaughter of Imperial officers? the offer to Luke to join him?

...but Darth McCain ultimately serves the Emperor, voting with him almost every time. McCain could be redeemed someday, but only by succumbing to Force Lightning and tossing the Emperor into a pit... something he has thus far refused to do. Let's stay in Iraq... err... Tatooine... forever!


J'han Solo

Umm... Edwards... ahhh, health care, faster withdrawal from Iraq than uhhh... didn't he play the president in Air Force One? ummm.... He'll stand up to the Hutt business interests... uhhhh... Goddamn, he's pretty. Quick, lock him in a sheet of Carbonite so I can hang him on my wall.

Admiral Akbar

Admiral Akbill

Man, I tell you what... you read Admiral Akbar's resume, take a look at his long career, his credentials, and it's amazingly clear how qualified he is to run a major government. What about his prescient snap evaluation... "It's a trap!" We sure could have used that in Iraq. Well-suited to command, noble, respected by his followers and his peers... but then, Akbar is from a place most people don't care about (Mon Calamari? Are you serious?) and looks vaguely ethnic... is he, I don't know... too fishy to be prez? Anyway, he deserves your vote. Who this Richardson cat is, I have no idea.

Limbba the Hutt

Oops, my bad, not a candidate. Sorry!

Ur Question?
Shh! 9/11!

Grand Moff Giuliani

We need a president who has experience running a large, unwieldy government. Like the Empire. "Hey, they said it was unmanageable, ungovernable... a large majority wanted to leave and live somewhere else," his campaign ads say. Well, Giuliani certainly turned things around... he built the Death Star! "By the time I left office," he continues, "the Death Star was the best example of conservative government in the galaxy!" Some folks might disagree with his foreign policy, though, consisting as it does of pretty much blasting whole planets into rubble.


Mrrrrrawwwwkkk!!!! Gronnnnkkkk!!! Mrran... wua ga ma uma ahuma ooma. "Whobacca?!?!"... GRONK! "Gravelbacca!!!" Hnn-rowr yrroonn nng rarrr!

Mitt Skywalker

Not quite as pretty as J'han Solo. But pretty. Kind of like how Aragorn was never quite as pretty as Legolas, except different. Anyway, Mitt's biggest appeal is that he's the likeable doofus scampering around the galaxy in search of himself, always haunted by the spectre of his father. On the downside, he's so conflicted it's hard to know where his true allegiances lie... he's infatuated with his own twin sister, he listens to apparitions of old men, he preaches religious tolerance... but only for those who believe in The Force. Sort of gives the impression he's been knocked off his Tauntaun a few too many times.