Since I plan to break up with my current boyfriend, I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone by finding him a new girlfriend and getting myself a new clock. Why a clock? Well, it seems that I’ll need to replace his ill-timed calls at the ass crack of dawn with an alarm clock now, something that actually knows what time I need to be up.
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First and foremost, if you are an overly sensitive and emotional female, this is not the man for you. But for those of you with a slight masochistic streak with fully functional tear ducts, I may have the man of your dreams. Oh, he’s such a great guy!! Read on.
Now, let me start off by stating what endearing qualities you must possess in order to make this next relationship satisfying for the both of you.
1. Must be an avid fan of the infamous late-night “drunken call.”
2. Must be okay with the phrase, “I’m not as drunk as thinkle peep I am.” Must have a great sense of humor. (see also #1)
3. Must be okay with the “hang up” as a proper way to say good bye and/or ‘I love you’. (see also #1)
4. Must be okay with him falling asleep AND snoring on the phone. You should also find his incessant “yawn talking” appealing for it to ever work. (see also #1)
5. Must not have the word, “NO” anywhere in your vocabulary. Especially when it comes to the possibility of “picking up another chick in a bar and bringing her home.” (see also #1)
6. Must be okay with the word, “chick” and a ménage a trois, obviously. Also be okay with the excuse, “I swear I was looking at her for you.” (see also #1)
7. Must be sexually adventurous with no hang ups, and willing to try anything at least once. Yes, anything.. even sex with a midget while he watches. (see also #1)
8. Must like midgets. And porn. And midget porn. (see also #7)
9. Must be indifferent to having your faults constantly pointed out to you, for he has a sharp tongue and knows no boundaries and has no shame. His favorites include but are not limited to: “lazy, moody, over emotional, over sensitive, spineless, thick-headed, weak, worthless,” etc. My advice is to not be any of these things to abate the sting. I’m trying to get out before the emotional scarring starts. (see also #1)
10. Must be indifferent to having things thrown back in your face. You know that thing you said a year ago about something that is irrelevant today, well.. prepare to deal with it over and over again. Because he won’t let it die. (see also #1)
11. Should have no problem with his “condition.” Arroganthypocriteknowitallbastard-itis. No known cure. He also suffers from selective amnesia, which usually occurs the morning after his drunken episodes. He WILL NOT, for the life of him, remember calling your deceased grandmother a whore or you an “asshat,” but will remember most (but not all) events leading up to it. (see also #1)
12. Must be very forgiving and find his half-assed “I’m sorry” to be the cure-all to his constant fuckups. Maybe hearing “I’m sorry” erases the fact that he called your grandmother a whore; it doesn’t in my book. (see also #11)
13. Must not be jealous and insecure. He likes to push your buttons and deliberately incite jealousy. He seems to get off on mentioning how many women he could’ve scored with at the bars/clubs/local deli. Must be okay with the phrases, “did I mention how fucking hot these women were?” and “No. Seriously, did I tell you how fucking hot they were?” (see also #1)
14. Must be okay with never mentioning your past sexual partners and/or encounters, but okay with tirelessly listening to him prattle on about his past dalliances and how good and how often he got it from the ex-girlfriend. If you don’t want to hear about how wet she used to get.. then I wouldn’t even bother. P.S. He and his ex are still friends. (see also #13)
15. Must be okay with having only “hot” female friends and/or roommates. (see also # 6) If you plan to socialize with the male gender anytime in the future, he better be gayer than Richard Simmons on “sextasy.” It ain’t happening otherwise. Forget being on good terms with your ex-boyfriends or any other straight male for that matter. You can’t mention them or even casually hang out. Ever.
16. Must be happy with one-sided conversations. Not your side. 99% of the time he’s not listening to you. If you have something important to say, tell a girlfriend (or a wall even). He’s calling you to either talk about him, talk about his day, talk about what he will be doing later, or – I swear – to hear himself speak. You don’t matter. You come second (if at all). Get used to it. Oh yeah, that 1% when he is listening to you is only when he needs entertaining. (see also #1)
17. Must have common sense, quick wit, and a vast array of useless trivia and knowledge. You will, after all, be required to entertain him. You know, when he IS listening to you.
18. Must not be a fan of romance or affection. Although he will remember your birthday, anniversary, and Valentine’s Day.. don’t expect much beyond him remembering. Not even a card. Maybe an e-card if you’re lucky. (see also #1)
19. Must be an expert at stroking the ol’ ego. No, it’s not a euphemism, but that would help too. Please be aware that you are expected to, at all hours of the day, no matter how crappy of a mood you are in, talk in soothing tones and tell him what a big, strong man he is. (see also #1)
20. Must not be prone to crappy moods. Please be emotionally stable and not have severe PMS. Also be drama free and relatively problem free.. he won’t listen anyway.
21. Must be Internet savvy and have access to high-speed dial up 24/7, for he will have “research” for you to do because A). He’s not near a computer (it doesn’t matter if you’re not near one or even if you have to turn yours on). B). He doesn’t have the time (but does have the time to call you and dictate exactly what he needs) or C). Because a couple does things for one another, right? Blech. And by “research” I mean, finding out what’s on TV that night, what time it is in Brazil (just because), and/or what has become of the new “Star Search” show.
22. Must not call him a “drunk” or any other variation of the term. According to him, he is not a drunk, much less one with a drinking problem. His idea of a 12 step program is to never be more than 12 steps away from the nearest bottle. Not glass.. BOTTLE. (see also #1)
23. Must possess a general knowledge of mixing drinks (having a background in bartending is ideal). You will be tested. It would be best if you had a fully stocked bar at your place as well.
24. Must have the wanton desire to drink like a fish (those who are not fond of two fisting drinks and/or can’t hold their liquor.. need not apply). It would also help if you smoke at least a pack a day.
25. Should be tone-deaf, for he likes to sing often and off key. He likes to butcher the classics and sing snippets of random songs you forgot existed. “Come on, Eileen” anyone? He’ll sing solo, but not “so low” you can’t hear him. Invest in a tape recorder. (see also #1)
**Bonus points if you’re bi-curious but predominantly hetero, waxed, organized, very vocal during sex, can achieve female ejaculation, fix a sink, swallow, hail a cab, lick your own nipples, change a tire, cook a decent meal, and type at least 55 WPM (recent typing certificate would be helpful). These seem to be the stand out qualities he loves (needs) in a woman. Extra bonus points if you know how to deal with someone who, I believe, has adult ADD.
He’s approximately 6’3”, well-built, extremely attractive, in his early thirties, a smoker, mild drinker, professional WMA who loves to work hard and play harder. An upside to his playing is that he never (or very rarely) pukes after his nights out and he is NEVER hung over. Ever. It speaks volumes about his tolerance level, but hey, it’s still an upside! And while he may use “no, you shut up” as a sentence finisher, he is very mature and such a sweetheart! He really is a great guy.. but if you’ve made it this far, I’m sure you know that by now. :) There is someone out there for everyone.. and this may be the someone for you. Please help.