Originally Posted: 2004-11-24 7:16am
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favorite this post You probably aren't Ms. Right but ... hide this posting unhide

You Probably aren’t Ms. Right but …

I date women of no particular eye color or hair color or body type. I can say with 90% confidence that my next partner will be between 4’5” and 6’1”. Based on past choices, there is 100% probability that she will be white, and a 75% chance that she will be a former Catholic. A little about me: I am a Jew, a practicing Jew at that. One of my deepest desires is that the future women will also be Jewish. Baruch HaShem Unfortunately the forecast is bad, only that remaining 25%. The only good news there is that with such a small population (four long term relationships), the margin of error is pretty high +- 50%. The – 50% is pretty troubling though. That would make her negatively Jewish. Is that anti-Semitic? If so at least it is only 25% anti-Semitic. I would hate to put myself in a bad situation.

Then there is the issue of sex and sexuality. There is a 75% likelihood that Ms. Right will not do sex and I seem to only date confused bisexuals. That is not to say that bisexuals are confused. I have had many friends who are not confused about their bisexuality. And may it be that they continue to flourish in their love endeavors. That being said, there is a 50% chance that she will actually be bisexual, but temporarily and under the bizarre influence of my sexual prowess think that she is a lesbian. If you fall into this category, I am afraid that the chances are 100% that you will leave the relationship and enter into a healthy long-term relationship with a man older than your father. What is more, the uncertainty around this is 0. It will happen. You can avoid this wretched fate by moving on to the next ad.

Back to the sex problems, there is a 75% chance that the woman of my dreams will not want to have sex. I have a pie chart of reasons. Unfortunately, several attempts to attach the image failed. Please email for graphic version. None the less, here is the content of the chart.

Recovering from Sexual Abuse 35%
Repressing Sexual Abuse 45%
Gets off More on Control than Sex 25%
Really asexual 5%

Content of the chart makes clear that whether or not you like sex it is likely that you were sexually abused. Sorry you had to go through that. I did too. The biggest hang up I still have is in choosing good people and situations in my life. I am really good at the sex thing, completely recovered. Which unfortunately has led to a 100% forecast for sexual frustration on my part.

A little about our future: We will be together for 3.3 plus or minus 1.5 years. I WILL change your life open your horizons. In the end there is a 100% chance that you will become a huge slacker, incapable of holding down a 40 hour a week job ever again. Reasons vary. You may start your own unsuccessful business or you might just hang around on disability until you decide to become a permanent student. I understand. Not all of us are made for work. There is a 75% chance that you are a selfish narcissist. In the end, I will be the one to leave, and it will hurt me more than it hurts you.

Interested? Is this you? You know the routine.

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