Originally Posted: 2002-07-05 6:51pm
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favorite this post Lesbian Stalkers..damn those Aussies are funny! hide this posting unhide

recently became single after 129 years in a relationship. I made a grand decision to be terribly mature about recovery time, stay single until I was "ready", and take the time to find the inner "me". Then I heard the ex had found someone new. All sensible thoughts went out of the window and I instantly threw myself back into the world of lesbian dating.

My preferred way of finding dykes has always been to wear them down with my infinite charms over a period no shorter than 10 months, by which time I have sneakily learnt everything about them (as loyal friend) and they can't help themselves when I pounce. It's long haul, but it works. Unfortunately, this time I had to find someone far lovelier than the ex's love interest - and preferably within the week!

Which brings me to the topic du jour, on which I am suddenly an expert:

My best tip on how to attract a stalker is: Be a lesbian! Simple as that, it's genetic. Forget a standard-issue toaster oven. Lesbians are much more likely to purchase night-vision goggles and listening devices. It doesn't seem to matter if you are nice or mean to a woman; if she gets a whiff of attention (e.g. you meet her once and never see her again) there is nothing you can do to shake her off. No amount of "I'm not ready for this - please give me space" or "Get off my leg, you crazy bitch" is going to cut it. Give in now, you are getting married whether you like it or not.

My next best tip is: Use the Internet to find your potential stalker dates. It's a great way of finding vast numbers of available - and not so available - women. (Attracting a new chick who already has a girlfriend is another special skill of mine.) The net is also the place where the lonely, lost and socially inadequate lurk - and not one of them has a photograph she can send you in advance. Funny that.

Stalker lesbians come in all shapes and sizes, but generally they are shapeless and under five feet tall. Remember "Sleeping with the Enemy"? Julia Roberts she ain't going to be. But after your first date, you might come home to find her rearranging your towels and cooking cuniculus (that's bunnies to you).

Lesbian -stalkers are also impossible to spot until it's far too late and you have given them your mobile number, work email, date of birth, and mother's maiden name. Right up to the point where there is no way to get them out of your life, they are perfectly normal. So be ready to change your phones, workplace, address and mother.

WARNING: Under no circumstances sleep with them. NOT even a mercy shag. NOT even a drunken mercy shag. NOT even a "so drunk you don't remember the morning after what the hell it was you did last night and why you can smell boiling fur coming from the kitchen" drunken mercy shag. In fact, just to be certain, never sleep with anyone. Ever.

Finally, all the lifestyle magazines are full of articles about how dykes are becoming more like gay boys, having one-night stands and moving from tatty shag to tatty shag like a herd of grazing lesbian llamas. It's a lie. There are three lesbians who can actually do that and the rest still want to marry you the next morning. After careful research, I managed to find one of the three and immediately she became a lovesick stalking puppy, so now there are only two left for the rest of you. Sorry about that.

Is that my mobile ringing again? Must change that number...

Alex R.

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