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Originally Posted: 2004-10-14 12:15

I'm Becoming a Llama

I've been extraordinarily bitter lately, but I feel justified. Besides certain coworkers who shall remain nameless (STETSON-ABUSER and CARROTCHOMPER) who are making me hostile, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with celiac disease, which is a genetic disorder that causes an intolerance to gluten. I have several problems with this:

-Gluten is in everything. And when I say everything, I mean not only delicious foods that I eat every day, but things such as shampoo, and envelope glue, and lipstick.

-Ingredient lists don't always put gluten as an ingredient because it's in so many things. I have to carry around a little book so I can look up monodiglycosachharide and see if it's ok to eat. Which it won't be.

-I weigh about 120 lbs. right now. I'm 5'9 1/2. Before this jackass diagnosis, I used to eat an obscene amount of food, most of it bad, and I could still not gain weight. Allegedly this is because of celiac disease, but tell me, how am I not going to turn into a skeleton when the only things I can eat are fruit, vegetables, some meat (depending on if it's been injected with anything that has gluten in it), some cheeses, brown rice, and potatoes?? I can't eat anything processed, anything with natural or artificial flavoring added, or any of the above listed foods that have been cooked on or near anything containing gluten. In short, I can't eat anything that tastes good.

-No ice cream. No cookies. No candy. No bread. No pancakes. No waffles. Fucking hell.

-NO BEER. I would become addicted to crack, but it's probably suffused with gluten too.

-I don't really like vegetables that much. I do, however, love gluten. Oh, the irony.

For the last three days, I've eaten raspberries, bananas, apples, tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers and some cheese. I'm a llama. Maybe I can start spitting on people and kicking them in the junk.

I don't feel any better and my stomach is now killing me. In another diabolical twist of irony, my stomach wasn't really bothering me when I was eating gluten, even though stomach problems are one of the main symptoms of celiac disease. According to my doctor, just because I'm asymptomatic doesn't mean I'm not damaging my body due to malnutrition because I'm ruining the lining of my intestines and it can't absorb any nutrients. I hate doctors and their smug faces.

In the grand scheme of life, things could be a lot worse, I know. If I have to have a disease, this isn't as bad as many others. So I guess I'll just go eat a mango and hope no one tries to capture me for my llama wool.

post id: 45577667