Some Tips to Ensure Your Post Makes the “Best of Craigslist”
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For all of you aspiring “Best of CL” posters who spend their days in a 4x6 gray carpeted cubicle with a view of the copier, I offer the following tips to ensure that you too can see your masterpiece on the Best of CL page.
1. Write a raunchy story, preferably one that involves the time you got so drunk that you shit your pants and woke up in a pool of your own vomit while lying on your roommate’s bed. Come to think of it, any story involving the act of shitting your pants should be good enough to make it to Best of CL. Tell us the story about the time you were at an important client meeting when you had that bad case of diarrhea and couldn’t quite make it to the bathroom. And please don’t forget the time you were on a date with that hot chick you met at the coffee shop and tried to silently let one rip, only to discover that you accidentally soiled your shorts and consequently blew your chances of getting in her shorts.
2. Write some sort of ode or poem, or better yet, a rap song. Everyone loves rap songs. Why else would no-talent clowns like P. Diddy be drinking bottles of “Crist” in the Hamptons? On the other hand, if you insist on writing an ode, make it an ode to something completely ridiculous like the piece of lint that landed on your jacket or an ode to the homeless guy who passes out in front of your apartment every night. Poems are best suited for ex lovers, and should be bitter, yet uplifting at the same time. References to the meds you are currently taking also help.
3. Share an experience while riding MUNI, the Metro, the T, the L, or whatever the fuck it’s called in your town. Some relevant topics include old Asian ladies with pink bags, the fat guy who keeps clearing his throat, the homeless guy covered in barf (see tip #1 for other ideas involving shit and puke), the gay guy who grabbed your package, or the creep (i.e. anyone not good-looking) who tried to get your number.
4. Include the phrase “Open Letter” in the title of your post. It doesn’t matter who it is an “open letter” to – it can be an open letter to the Pope, an open letter to Dubya, or an open letter to your asshole boss who made you work last weekend while your buddies went to Vegas. Regardless of who it is addressed to, it will surely catch the attention of the faithful legions of CL readers nationwide.
5. Speaking of CL having a nationwide audience – if you want to increase the odds that your post will make it to the “Best of” page, post it in a city like Boston or Philadelphia. Your odds of getting a good readership base are fairly decent, and it won’t get lost in the crowd with all of the racist and political postings that comprise a good part of the SF and NY CLs (thank the people who live in Antioch/Rohnert Park). It could also be that people in these cities have a better sense of humor, but since I don’t live in these places, I couldn’t tell you (although I do think that Bostonians have funny accents, and that Jack in the Box commercial where Jack’s intern goes to Philly and is transformed into a walking Guido is pretty damn funny).
6. Write some sort of top 10 list. Topics can include roommates who are freaks, boyfriends/girlfriends who are assholes/bitches, bosses who are tyrants and micromanagers, and anything else that people like to make lists about. If you do decide to take the list route, please make it something that a decent number of people can relate to on some level. No one wants to hear your top 10 list of things to do on a Friday night when you’re at home alone, or your top 10 reasons on why Burning Man was some life-changing experience (hint – it probably has something to do with the fact that you do more drugs than Jim Morrison in the 60s).
7. Post something about taking a dump. If it involves taking a dump at work, you will increase your odds of making “Best of” by at least 50%. Regardless of the venue of your dump, be sure to include descriptive details such as time spent on the pot, the intense feeling you had while shitting your brains out, or how your boss walked in just as you experienced an ass explosion reminiscent of Saturday night at an Al-Queda training camp.
8. Tell us about your CL dating experiences. Write about all of the guys/girls you’ve dated/fucked from CL, and be sure to include their names and descriptive details like dick size. If you consider yourself a “player,” please share with your fellow CL readers any tips you might have and be sure to tell us just how easy it is to get laid here. If you are a female who gets around (i.e. you watch Sex and the City), share tips about how us guys should dress, walk, talk, cater to your every demand, etc.
9. Use the word “Fuck” anywhere in the title. The word “fuck” can liven up any title, and conveys the anger or passion you hold deep inside of you. For some reason, it also makes just about any sentence a hell of a lot funnier. Also feel free to pepper your ad with more “fucks” than a scene involving Joe Pesci in Good Fellas, and don’t fucking forget to use variations such as “fucktard” and “fuckwad.”
10. There is no number ten – if there was, I’d obviously be trying to make it to the Best of CL (yeah right).