It's not a tattoo or anything I have deliberately done: I thought it was a little dirt or grime at first, but some soapy water and a brillo pad quickly disproved that theory, and there He was, smiling beatifically at me from just below my glans penis.
My girlfriend is a devout Christian, who, when she first saw this apparition, dropped to her knees, exclaiming, " Jesus Christ", which I at first arrogantly misinterpreted as an exaggerated compliment on my manhood.
Needless to say, I was more than a little disappointed to learn the true reason for her impulsive ejaculation. She has now taken to worshiping daily at this makeshift "shrine", which is OK, I suppose, but she no longer wants to have sex with me for fear of offending the real Jesus. She even brought her entire womens' church group over, it was really embarrassing having all these women kneeling and praying to the Jesus on my johnson (but also somewhat uplifting).
One of the younger women, "Mary M" became rather hysterical, saying she needed to take Jesus into her heart, screaming; " Jesus is risen; my rod and staff, they comfort me" and something unintelligible about a burning bush and the holy of holies, and how the Bible tells us we must embrace the Lord, and then she started grabbing at me in an extremely non-ecclesiastical manner.
I realized she was speaking literally, or possibly about to speak in tongues, but before I could learn more about this intriguing phenomenon, my girfriend gently pulled her away and sent her home to meditate more deeply on the true symbolism of the cross.
This was disappointing, as I was hoping for a chance later on to privately pump "Mary" for more information on the deeper meaning of her mystical statements.
Now I'm a very private person, no pun intended, and I'm not at all comfortable with being the center of all this attention, some insensitive crazies have even started calling me "Penis Christ", or "Jesus F. Christ" which is both embarrassing and blasphemous to the believers, and it's all nothing that I have done deliberately, it's just a fuzzy looking picture of the Saviour on my most private part.
If anyone can offer help please do so: the crowds outside the house get bigger every day. It seemed like fun at first to have my penis adored by so many, but the novelty has quickly worn off, the front yard is trampled to all hell and full of garbage and religious tracts, and fucking Pat Robertson calls me every day asking me to put my dick on the phone.
I welcome any suggestions or advice that will help me come to grips with this issue. And "Mary", if you're reading this, I'm free next Thursday, and I'm eager to penetrate more deeply into your beliefs regarding the second coming of the Messiah