Boy, there sure are a lot of "men seeking women" out there. Having gone through a good five dozen ads in this category, I realized that it's NEVER going to happen. I will NEVER find a woman on Craigslist. Apparently, women are looking for an Anti-Me.
Here's my reasoning in an easy-to-read, numbered-list format:
1. I am NOT a 28-year-old who looks 19. (I am a 25-year-old who looks 28).
2. I am NOT a 6’6’’ hunky bodybuilder with blonde hair and blue eyes. (I am a whopping 5’10’’ with dark brown hair and a couple extra pounds. I am white, by the way).
3. I am NOT a vegan or even a vegetarian. (I happen to enjoy meat every once in a while. Just last Sunday, I had a pork chop at Acme Chophouse. No, I don’t think it’s murder to eat animals. Pork is the other white meat, not tofu).
4. I do NOT eat junk food. (I think the money I will save on healthcare over the next 60 years of my life outweighs the money I could save by eating at McDonald’s).
5. I do NOT drive an Xterra, a Saturn, a 1985 Civic hatchback or an electric car. (I drive a luxury sedan. I feel safe and comfortable in it. No, I don’t feel bad about my car ‘polluting’ the environment).
6. I do NOT work with the homeless, underprivileged kids or AIDS patients. (I work in marketing/finance and I like my job. I also teach accounting and finance a couple of nights a week, not because I have to, but because I want to. No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with volunteering – I just happen not to do it).
7. I was NOT one of the three people who won the $190 million jackpot. (I do reasonably well for myself, spending what I want and saving the rest. I am considering purchasing a house in the City by the end of the year).
8. I do NOT drink or smoke. Anything. Ever. (It’s true. I prefer lemon-flavored Perrier, Evian and Diet Coke. No, I don’t think it makes me weird or gay).
9. I do NOT swear, either. Ever. (I don’t know why. I seem to find enough words to express my feelings and emotions without resorting to profanities, I guess).
10. I do NOT believe in ‘equal opportunity’ when it comes to dating. (I prefer White or Asian women. No, I don’t think it makes me racist).
11. I do NOT go ‘clubbing.’ (I hate loud music, and I don’t drink. Why would I pay a cover charge just to get in?)
12. I am NOT a democrat or a liberal. (Yes, it’s true. I am a conservative republican, and I am proud of it. We’re people, too).
13. I am NOT religious. (I come from a Jewish family, but I don’t practice Judaism or any other religion. No, I don’t think my spiritual needs are unfulfilled).
14. I am NOT a creative type. Never had a ponytail or earned money by performing in local theaters. (I got my business degree at UC Berkeley. No, I don’t regret it).
15. I am NOT the ‘alternative type.’ (Alternative to what? Society norms? If our hair were meant to be green, it’d be green. If our noses, eyelids or tongues were meant to be pierced, Martha Stewart would be telling us how to do it in the comfort of our own homes).
16. I do NOT brag about the size my body parts. (They are all in place and in working order).
17. Incidentally, I am NOT looking for someone to caress, fondle or stroke the afore-mentioned body-parts. (I am looking for a serious relationship, hopefully long-term. I don’t have time for dating around; I am not in high school anymore).
18. I do NOT read poetry before I go to bed, or during the day, for that matter. (I read Business Week and cnn.com articles. No, I don’t think I am deprived).
19. I do NOT confuse “it’s” with “its” and “your” with “you’re.” (Yes, there’s a difference. Yes, people notice. Yes, it is extremely distracting).
20. I do NOT enjoy snowboarding, backpacking or biking. (I prefer traveling by plane or car and staying at nice hotels. I prefer filet mignon to pork and beans).
21. I do NOT watch PBS or listen to NPR. (I watch network TV and listen to soft rock on FM radio. No, I don’t think it makes me ‘average’).
22. I do NOT like the opera. (I like football and baseball. Huge fan. I have season tickets to the Giants and the 49ers, and I rarely miss a game. No, I am not embarrassed to admit it. I do love and appreciate fine arts, too, just not as much as I love my Niners).
23. Despite all that, I do NOT consider myself boring. (I have a great sense of humor, and I can even carry on a meaningful conversation. I prefer someone who does, too).
24. I was NOT kicked out of my house when I was 18. (I love my family, and we’re very close. My parents have been happily married for over 26 years. My sister and I are also very close).
25. I am NOT looking for friendship. (I have great friends, and I work hard to find time for them. I don’t need more friends).
Now do you see what I mean? I will NEVER find a woman, on Craigslist or elsewhere. Disagree? Know of a woman who would disagree? Please, please, have her reply to this ad.
Other ways to contact poster:
Look for the bitter 25-year-old in the lower box at Pacific Bell Park.