You know what my cat said to me another day? He said: “why don’t you get yourself a girlfriend, man? I am tired of seeing you here all by yourself. You seem to be lonely to me. It would be nice to have a new face around here for a change.” “Me? Lonely? Come on, I am just fine with a talkative cat like you. And why are you so interested in girls all of a sudden?” “Well,” my cat replied, “first of all, with two people around I might get twice as many treats. Plus, you know, girls cuddle and I like that- I am cuddly kind of cat. And if you think that you are so content by yourself why are you looking through those personal ads all the time?” “Aren’t you smart,” I said, “ so, you suppose I should just go out and score a girlfriend? What do you want me to say to her? “Hi ma-am, my cat likes to cuddle, let’s go?” “Don’t be silly, man,” cat smiled and rolled up his eyes, “just be yourself and tell her that your kitty is very nice, very sweet and affectionate. And you are not so ugly too- I’ve seen much worse. Let me look at you. So you are about 33-34 right? In cat’s years you are just about 5 years old, sucker! Ok now, you are 6’1” 164lbs, am I right? Don’t lie to me - I can tell when humans lie. Are you blond or something like that? I can only see in black and white.” “Yeah, something like that, and my eyes are blue.” “Who cares about your eyes, “pretty boy”. And, I figure, you do something for living- sometimes you are gone all day, hell knows where. But I don’t care as long as you put tuna in my bowl. So, it looks like we’ve got a pretty good chance to get somebody in the sac. Plus, some chicks dig that funny accent of yours. Just don’t tell anybody what a loser you are.” “What do you mean? I am not a loser.” “Oh yeah? And who lost his virginity - you or me? And what about that butterfly I caught for you another day, huh? You lost it too, you “butterfingers”. “I am not sure if I am ready for Internet dating, cat,” I said, “Besides, I prefer things to develop naturally, without premeditation. I’d rather meet somebody by chance. And, by the way, I did not lose that butterfly- I let it go.” My cat looked at me with skepticism : “Are you saying that you’d rather crash your truck into some poor girl’s car and develop it into a relationship? Or you are planning to sit in a coffee shop waiting for somebody to make first move before you turn 90? Get real. It’s not going to happen unless you make it happen. Here is my advice: put your ad on the Internet along with my photo. Tell them what a cute and cuddly kitty I am. I bet you a dozen tuna cans, when women see my picture, they will get in touch with us. And stop worrying so much about that dull sense of humor of yours. If you score a date, we’ll get walkie-talkies and I’ll guide you through your date.” “I don’t think you know enough about women to be so confident. After all, you are just a cat and you don’t even have balls.” “Look who is talking about balls, man,” he replied, “ I am not the one looking for excuses. Post the freaking ad now or I’ll stop giving you investment advise.” “Ok, ok, I’ll do it, chill out. Since you learned how to speak you’ve been nothing but trouble. All you do now is talk, talk, and talk, just like a parrot. Sometimes I wish I had a fish instead.” “It’s never too late to get a fish,» said cat and liked his whiskers. “ If you post an ad I’ll start cleaning my litter box.
Do you think I should trust this guy?
Here is what my cat said about women: “It does not matter how woman looks as long as she is good looking.” And another one of his “priceless” expressions: “women are all the same but the kind hearted ones are the best.” Go figure…