As Spring is finally in the air, I feel I should do a little 'Spring Cleaning'. Since I don't feel like tackling the horror of a mess that resides in my walk-in closet, I will start with a more 'urgent' mess. Please keep in mind, all these items are yours, free of charge, if you want them.
HAIR= Medium length, bleached blonde several times but still in excellent condition. I just can't keep up with the 6-week maintenance regime-too costly.
HEART= Broken several times but still seems to work. Reason for removal: Sick and tired of it breaking!
LIVER= Even though the liver is capable of regenerating 'healthy' cells, I have managed to continually damage this vital organ with high levels of liquor. For those of you interested in my liver, I suggest you aren't a drinker.
LUNGS= Still good, but slightly charred from the copius amounts of pot I have been smoking. I promised them I'd quit smoking, but lately they keep asking me if I went back to college, for that's the last time they filtered so much smoke. Im sure they still resemble a color that is close to pink but one might want to consider this pair to go to a non-smoker.
VAGINA= I am having a really hard time parting with this. Countless nights it has provided me with mind-blowing orgasms, not to mention its amazing ability to self lubricate (which puts K-Y and Astroglide to shame). But....it's because of this great sex that I find the inability to concentrate on normal, and extremely simple daily tasks. Thanks to this vagina, I was skipped over on a recent promotion. I forgot to remind my boss that I was due for my annual work performance review because I was reminiscing of the previous night's sexual escapade. Thanks a lot Vagina, you KNOW we both could have used that raise!
PIERCED BELLY BUTTON= Way too trendy for me these days. It's been pierced for 10 years now. But, since I'm almost 26, I'm sure a 16 year old appreciate this much more than I do. *Please note: Although this is free, I refuse to let any woman over 30 take it. Sonoma County has enough older women trying to look younger. The last thing I need is to walk into Tex Wasabi's on a Friday night, just to see that my pierced belly button is now residing between stretch marks and fat rolls on an over-tanned, 45 year old mother of two.
As for now.... I don't have any more time to continue Spring Cleaning. Check your Classified section of the paper next week. Perhaps I will have another Garage Sale. And please stop asking how much the tall, handsome man is.... He, too, is free.