Please, deliver me a man who kisses with more than the required amount of saliva, rendering me unsure whether to wipe my mouth for fear of embarassing him. A man, perhaps, who fumbles with my breasts as though there were giant bees or land mines - oh, for a man who smells my hair for far too long a period of time as though it did not smell good but merely *interesting*, like a bloodhound attempting to track an escapee hiding in my follicles. A man who has sex with his socks on during The Weakest Link -
(Mike, why did you pick Susie" bump bump bump "Because he didn't know where the Nile river was" bump bump "Mike! You ARE the Weakest link, goodbye!" bump bump bump)
Let him have difficulty with the condom and then ask if it's ok not to use it.
Please send me a man who, somehow, manages to put it in so it feels *sideways* and pokes at my clitoris like he's trying to buzz a deaf person into his apartment. Let him say things like "I'm ramming you!" and "Fum-muma-fum-muma oh oh oh" while he does it. Let him come after three minutes and then, please, please, please let him idly fiddle with his flaccid penis while laughing at Supercuts commercials.
And please, God, let me find him in a "no strings attactched ad" on Craigslist.