needed: reading comprehension classes for lesbians and others on w4w
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It's come to my attention that there is a great disservice being done to my fellow lesbian sisters: they are not learning how to read. I don't know if teachers are able to tell who's a little lesbina starting in first grade and single them out for isolation during the reading lessons or if it's a punishment from the God who may or may not exist, but something is clearly amiss. How do I know this? I've gone through the folly of posting ads on w4w numerous times. I give up.
Are you a lesbian with a reading comprehension problem? If you have made these mistakes before, the answer is "yes" (though you probably won't see this list, given your inability to fucking read and all):
1. "I am looking for a long-term relationship" does not mean the same thing as "hit me up for sex tonight." I know! It's shocking! It actually means that I am looking for someone to spend time with who may want to eventually settle down together, seeing as I'm approaching 30 and don't want to spend forever going from relationship to relationship. I'd apologize for the confusion, but you should take that up with whoever didn't teach you how to read.
2. "I'm a lesbian" means "I want to have sex with women and I want them to have sex with me." It does not mean "I want to be part of a threesome with you and your man" or "I want to date college girls who think it would be hot to be bisexual but who don't actually want to touch or lick pussy, because that's gross." I am not interested in licking the pussy of someone who will not reciprocate. Why would I bother? Also, quit sending me pictures of you and your skeezy boyfriend! I'm a lesbian! If there is a man involved, the sex has ceased to interest me.
3. "I'm a lesbian" means "I don't want to hear from men." Now, this is technically a reading comprehension problem of straight men, but who knows, maybe they were taught to read by a lesbian. In any case, I have never had an interest in the penis. I know you think that your golden phallus will show me the error of my ways, but trust me. Unless your dick can magically transform into a pussy, there is no chance of getting me anywhere near it. Sorry.
4. I've listed my interests in my ad because (wait for it...) I am hoping that we will have things in common! I would like to not want to kill you after two hours in your company. You can't just write back to me and list your completely opposite interests and hope I won't notice (though maybe you can't even grasp the concept that they're opposites, as that would require something going on in your head besides an echo). For example, I've said that I'm a wine enthusiast. I collect wine. I visit vineyards. Why the fuck are you writing to me if you're a recovering alcoholic? Do you think I want to feel like I'm leading you down the pathway to destruction every time I have a glass of Merlot with my steak? Speaking of which, I've mentioned that I'm not a vegetarian. Don't write me if you can't be around meat-eaters. It will just lead to me wanting to push your PETA ass into the path of the MUNI. Contrary to popular belief, all lesbians aren't unshaven vegetarians who spend all day listening to Ani DiFranco and handing out homemade zines. Some of us like beef and songs that aren't "politically aware." Really.
and last, but certainly not least,
5. "I don't have a picture" means "there will be no picture coming, no matter how many times you beg for it." I don't care how easy it is to get a picture on the computer in 2004. I don't have a digital camera, nor am I friends with any camwhores. I am not trudging to every Kinko's in the damn city so I can scan in a picture from three years ago and send it to you. You'll just have to take a risk and meet me. I promise, I'm not hideous. Speaking of meeting, I want to meet! Don't write me if you don't have any intention of following through. This goes double for people who don't fit my ad at all (shout-out to my lesbian-taught male buddies from #3). My idea of a relationship is dinners together, cuddling while staying in and watching movies, long walks in Golden Gate Park, wandering around the shops in the Haight, playing board games, talking while we do mundane chores together, kissing, holding hands, having sex... None of these things can happen if we don't meet. So I'm going to push for a meeting. And I will be able to tell right away if you are a MAN or if you are a COUPLE or if you LIED in your email about what you look like. You're not going to be able to fool me. My sympathy for your educational deficit will only carry so far. Don't expect civility if we've exchanged numerous emails and you suddenly discover that you don't really want to meet or if we do meet and you are 2 inches shorter and 150 lbs heavier than you claimed. There will be none.
I was going to invite the late 20s/early 30s lesbians who are single, looking for a long-term relationship, cute, fun, into wine and BBC America, who love to visit gallaries and lounge around on Sunday afternoons playing Scrabble and cuddling in bed to write me, but why bother? None of them can read. It's a tragic thing. Maybe I should set up a fund to educate them. I really don't know how I managed to become a lesbian with this high of a reading level. I guess I slipped through the cracks.