I'm waiting for my bus this morning, sipping my coffee, when an overweight black woman approaches me and stands really close, staring into my eyes. I move back a step and she moves closer. I am in an amiable mood. The birds are chirping, they've captured Saddam Hussein's head-lice, the weekend is almost here, so I just smile at her. I make eye contact for the first time, and her pupils are enlarged and full of light and sort of dancing around. After about sixty seconds of gazing into my eyes, she demonstrates her amazing perception.
"You bought that coffee at STARBUCKS, din't ya?" I look down at my own cup of coffee, and sure enough, it says "Starbucks" across the top. I think I am falling in love.
Then, hoping to solidify our union, she reaches up and caresses my chin and breathes, "You have a good day." I am swooning a little now, but snap my head back in an instant, to show her that I am not that easy.
Just then the bus comes. I hate goodbyes and cannot bear to look at her as I board the bus and find a seat, and then my heart springs with hope eternal in my chest when this woman jumps onto the platform at the last second. The bus is rolling, I am forcing myself not to look at her, I am gazing out the window with tranquility at the picturesue San Francisco scene, the homeless bundled in blankets on porch steps, a man in rags peeing on the sidewalk, two cops having a word with a man sporting a Spidey pajama top and underwear, no pants.
Suddenly there's a commotion. The black lady has her shirt off, revealing a giant white bra, and begins squealing and dancing in the aisle, swinging her enormous boobs back and forth like over-fed rag dolls. The melee that ensued is indescribable, people screaming and dodging the breasts, eyes wide, frantically clawing their way to the back of the bus.
"Stop this bus!!!" the woman screams, and the driver hits the brakes suddenly, people spilling onto each other's laps, the black woman's breasts landing against an old Asian lady's face, the old lady appearing to go into a state of shock.
Then the door opens and the woman jumps off the platform and begins running up the sidewalk, shirtless and squealing.
And everyone on the bus simply resumes their previous positions, each of them staring out the window as if nothing had happened.
That's San Francisco for you.