Mattel has recently announced the release of Limited-Edition NorCal Barbie dolls for this market:
Marina Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at an uber trendy shop on Chestnut St. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a monogrammed Yoga mat, a Lexus SUV and a long-haired foreign dog named Honey. TKE Ken doll sold separately at.
Outer Richmond Barbie:
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Winstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education.
Presidio Barbie:
This daddy’s little girl Barbie comes with 5-bedroom house filled with sorority-girl roommates. Plasma TV and leather living room set sold separately. Included are her own Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf commuter mug, non-prescription designer eyewear and $4,000 french mountain bike.
Western Addition Barbie:
This pasty little troublemaker just moved from Novato. She comes outfitted in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass after 5 shots of Jagermeister. For the shotgun wedding, she and Ken are registered at Union 76, In & Out Burger and Costco.
Telegraph Hill Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans by the half gallon. Her 1974 diesel Mercedes has expired tags and a Nixon bumper sticker. Percocet prescription available separately. Ken moved to Phoenix.
Tenderloin Barbie:
See above; attach penis.
Hunters Point Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include GED and Fast pass. A “How to run a nursery school out of your home” book available on some models. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Monte Carlo were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
SOMA Barbie:
This work/live doll comes complete with scholarship to The Academy of Art. Outfits include various combinations of corduroy anything, Converse shoes and retro t-shirts that are 2 sizes too small. Ken busses tables at MoMo’s, “Just to buy records, because he is a really talented DJ.”
Mission Barbie:
Not to be confused with the similar SOMA Barbie, this streetwise maven is a creature of the night. Accessories include: rainbow scarf and gloves, but no winter coat (80’s down vest optional), portable mp3 player loaded with live Modest Mouse bootlegs and a vegetarian cookbook. She studies philosophy at CCSF and knows 15 bartenders at 12 different bars by their first name. Ken works for a moving company. Neither has a cell phone.
Duboce Triangle Barbie:
This doll is actually made of tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if your purchase two Duboce Triangle Barbie’s and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow bumper sticker for free. Her “partner” is a bartender.
Cow Hollow Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of ’98 Cherokee with Thule racks and a “Keep Tahoe blue” bumper sticker or Passat wagon. Included with purchase are her own Starbuck’s card, side-by-side baby strollers and Fendi shoes. The white turtleneck under a college sweatshirt package is sold separately. Also available for this set is Private School Jack and Ballet class Molly, both in blonde only.
Castro Barbie:
This post-op heartbreaker and Ken are currently restoring their 3rd Victorian in as many years. Each house is further up the hill in an ongoing class struggle with best friends’ Roger and Stephen. This edition comes complete with 2004 Z3 Roadster, brass kitchenware and an affinity for designing window treatments.
West Portal Barbie
Is this even in S.F.?
Upper Haight Barbie:
This dreadlocked trust-funder was born with a silver spoon up her ass. For some dumb reason, she thought it would be more fun to sleep in the Park than at home in Wisconsin with her parents. Sidekick dog named “Jerry.” Ken doll has been “liberated” and calls himself “Darkstar.” Both suffer from the delusion that hanging out in front of Ben & Jerry’s is spiritually cleansing.
Lower Haight Barbie:
This dark angel is available with changeable tattoo sleeves, red 20-hole Doc Martens and a burgeoning speed addiction. She only leaves the neighborhood to sell cd’s at Amoeba. Ken lives above Molotov’s and sleeps till 5pm everyday; his pit bull is named Mad Max.
24th and Mission Barbie:
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Celica with expired temporary tags and 5 baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with painter’s whites, a cheap walkman that plays tapes! and a mexi-mullet. Green cards not available on either model.