1. Conservative statements of “purpose” – Yawn. What the hell do I care about what some stuffed shirt twinkiedick from Ohio thinks about the liberals that live here? So some asscaptain living in a Scrooge McDuck money bin filled with cash he worked so hard ‘earning’ has a belief system that involves 1) keeping money, 2) counting money, and 3) fucking around with people that don’t have money.. Big surprise. The scales of justice move for you. Go tell your friends at the stock exchange, or the whitebread shitwaffle frat brother that got you the job. My ass bleeds for you, rich man. I’m sure arguing with the 18 year-old wannabe liberal at UC-Humboldt is reaffirming your belief in the one true way. Don’t tax these guys for being rich. Tax them for taking my attention away from posts about blow jobs, fat chicks, and shaved vaginas. You have rendered me impotent with your yammering scribble.
2. eurogamyst postings – I hate you worse than I hate Richie Rich. Why? Because you give Richie Rich a reason to unzip his fly and start pissing all two inches all over the internet. We all know whitey works the world over. The people that disagree will never agree because cash rules everything around them. Well, that and date-rape. Fling your beliefs into the face of the great suckling tit that is the white male’s billowing man breast if it is your preference, but doing it on KKKraigslist seems a bit trite. My nuts have now shriveled away.
3. Pissed of ‘published author’ – Hey, can you get me a meeting with Stephen King? Maybe his editor? Maybe his buttshavings? I’ve got a horror story entitled Deflated Ego that I’m trying to pitch and your connections could really help me out, buddy. Wait until you see it, ass-sniff. The main character is an individual who gets published in Inconsequential Monthly and can’t deal with his newfound lack of fame, so he lashes out on an internet bulletin board at the jealous acquaintances he doesn’t actually possess. In the end, he is eaten by a koala bear. The horror!
4. Me for being here – What a sham my life is, scorning other faceless internet lame-os with my version of withering vitriol. I compensate for my unfilfilling personal life by berating people I can neither see nor understand as people. Following this I will punch myself consistently in the groin for 10-20 minutes. Truly, I am a shambling charade of a person. Soak my loins in battery acid. Please, oh Yaweh, end my suffering. Please.