Or ... 40 WAYS MALE TO MALE ACTIVITY ALWAYS SUCCEEDS IN BED
Or ... 40 REASONS WHY I FEEL BAD FOR STRAIGHT GUYS ...
I don't know if this was a such great post on craigslist, like anastasia thinks. But coming to the defense of my fellow guys (gay, straight, etc...) I have
left my own comments (and anastasia's).
P.S.: Do straight guys really have to put up with this? If so, I'd date anastasia ...
this was another great post on craigslist - plus my ever-so-clever responses!
40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED....
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Reply to: anon-1966276@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Oct 18 15:01:40 2001
Take notes, all you Casanovas...
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying
to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
Dick says: My time is money and I often feel like I'm paying by the hour. Although kissing is nice, save it for the bar. But when we hit the bed, skip the
kissing and go right for the nasty stuff. I'm drunk. I gotta to get to sleep soon.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you
girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic .and
blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th
birthday cake. That hurts.
Dick says: Guys never do this to me! I think it's because their tongues, being in my ear, would get in the way.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your
chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When
she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
Dick says: Never shave! Nothing more than I hate is today's trendy clean-shaven "Emergency Drag Queen" look. Fred Flintstone, yes. Richie Rich, no.
Rake that sandpaper all over me, guys! I just love thinking about all the nasty sex we had every time I feel my red, tingling skin heeling (over the next
few weeks).
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for
ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth
them.
Dick says: I would never have a housewife test my melons and there's only one thing I want you to stroke, caress and smooth (and that just for a few
minutes).
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then
clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?
Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and
suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
they're a doggie toy isn't.
Dick says: Although I assure you I won't deflate, you can give it a try. As a matter of fact guys, you can try everything like it's a "doggie" anything.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the
nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio
station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the
exclamation points.
anastasia says "tune in tokyo, i repeat, tune in toyko"
Dick says: Screw the local stations! Use my exclamation points like you worked for SETI.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with
just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.
There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you
go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So, start paying them some
attention.
Dick says: "When you're alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go ....." (downtown). My downtown is open 24/7 and any time you can
give to me, I would prefer it to be in the Central Business District.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be
that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
Dick says: Girl! Is that the only place he's gotten his hand stuck?
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's
responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
anastasia says "this is stupid, both people are responsible for b.c., but just leaving it without TELLING
anyone you are, can be a bit gross.
Dick says: Go ahead and throw it under the bed with the 40 other ones ....
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently
rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
anastasia says "all girls are different, feel your way through what they like or dislike, or for
god's sake, ASK!"
Dick says: If you really want this much direction during sex, come on over and see me. I got something much easier to find and you can handle it as
roughly as you like.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left
off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can
tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
anastasia says "this is pretty fucking selfish. breaks are good, and like i always say, you don't JUST have
to go down to get a woman off"
Dick says: Breaks are good and tantamount to tantric sexual activity. However, guys, I know how much you like great, long blow jobs, but your wife
keeps calling on your cell phone ....
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.
Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
anastasia says "is it just me or does this gal seem very uptight? geez, take it on a case by case basis, if i am
having sex, who cares where my sweater is?"
Dick says: If I'm not already naked and you want to take my clothes off, do it the order that makes you horniest (we're both winners in the long run).
Oh, and throw my jeans over there in the corner, on top of anastasia's sweater.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her
panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and
yanking it back and forth is not.
Dick says: Sorry guys, I never wear "panties."
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the
clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's
all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff
stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're
not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay
more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first,
then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
anastasia says "just make sure the gal is wet before you shove ANYTHING in there "
Dick says: The one thing I hate more than trying to fold up a map correctly, is using one. So when you're finished with "Gals for Idiots" above, give me
a call. I think you already know how to use everything.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual,
relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay;
elbows and knees are not.
Dick says: OK, you know what I want massaged, and it has nothing to do with your hands, fingertips, elbows or knees ... We'll do that next time ...
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before
she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's
just undoing a couple of buttons.
Dick says: How come you aint naked yet?
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is the
worst. Lose the socks fist.
anastasia "while it is funny to see a man in no pants, with a short and socks, it really doesn't matter
either way to me. i certainly don't think it makes a man a failure to take his pants off first"
Dick says: The underpants and socks look is hot, especially when you're "happy."
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool. She'll
soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology.
Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
anastasia says "variations. there should never be a constant"
Dick says: My Dad's got the greatest woodshop up in the foothills! Nothing more than I like better than the assembly line, industrial power tool man. I'll
be your piece of wood, c'mon and drill me hard, Daddy!
("The penis-in-vagina situation"? Just hearing someone say something like that would make me go limp. I think she means f**king.)
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.
anastasia says "this chick needs to relax."
Dick says: Oh please bash your great triangular hipbones into my thighs or stomach (or back , or face, or crotch, or ...)
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before
you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure
her pleasure too.
anastasia says "how about not making sex solely about the orgasm of either party"
Dick says: Quickies can be great! Besides, I know you have to go, your wife keeps calling you on your cell phone ...
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour
without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely
the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so
she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
anastasia says "this girl has hang ups and probably shouldn't be having sex with anyone"
Dick says: Humping for an hour (or more) IS the mark of a Sex God! I love a dude who's focused. So, when she's done redecorating your place,
come on over to my place (it's already decorated) and I'll worship you like the Sex God you are.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most
women make noise. But, if you really don't know, don't ask.
anastasia says "ask away, and make it happen again. you can't always tell"
Dick says: Girls forget, we have to ask, because ours are rather apparent and we can't fake 'em.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer
of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently
rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
Dick says: ...and then gently nudge your left (NOT RIGHT) little toe slowly up her thigh while carressing her hair with your left hand and don't forget to
gently run your forefinger of your right hand up and down the small of her back and flicking her eyelashes gently with your right big toe, all the while,
painting cute little Twiggy, Yardley Hippy London make-up daisies on her cheek with a fine sable brush clenched between the cheeks of your ass
crack, dressed up like Johnny Depp in a Pirate costume replete with eye patch and parrot.
Who is this girl? Martha Sutra?
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's
eyeball-to- penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to
mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being
dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use
yours; try talking seductively to her.
anastasia says "not fabio seductive. johnny rotten seductive. or a good nudge probably does just fine"
Dick says: Dude! You gotta cave? (Me love caveman!!)
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed
with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex,
warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
anastasia asks "what's neccassary? you can communicate with your gal and see what she
wants, but not all sperm tastes like sea water. and not all girls hate to swallow."
Dick says: Er, ah "Please don't ask me if I've had orgasm, but do announce yours ..." What low calorie salad dressing is this girl dating? I've never been
with a guy and had a "surprise orgasm." Even if it were "premature," it's always been announced (even during 69, but not always in any distinguishable
language).
BTW: Sea water and egg whites? She must be the pastry chef on a deep sea fishing vessel.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving
during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
anastasia asks "who wants to do all the moving? come on! never just lie there, during ANYTHING.
and ALWAYS grab her head, just don't choke her"
Dick says: Sheeeeshh. I'm not going to even respond to this with a snarky remark. That's right girl, you just keep telling him that. Uh huh. You'll let him
know what a great blow job is, won't ya? You'll suck his dick just like you like to get yours sucked, right? In the meantime, I'm going to the Safeway
and give some good looking, horny, poor sap the blow job of his life because his girlfriend is too busy giving him the 40 reasons why she should be a
lesbian.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women
seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means
more laundry to do.
anastasia says "unless you are naked."
Dick says: No, no, girl!! Here's the clue on this one: You choose to launder your sheets. In real life, it's much easier to buy more linens. (And can a girl
ever have enough linens? ... or enough boyfriends who want to cum all over you ....)
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine.
Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest.
anastasia agrees, and thinks "this applies to girls as well. when you lie there staring vacantly at the
wall, it seems about as exciting as fucking a gopher hole"
Dick says: Ok, this girl wants to be the boss when she's giving head, not be the boss when she's on top, when, oddly enough, she wants to take a
break, but doesn't want you to take a break (because then she'll be back at square one where you have to start all over again, oooo how icky). You
go, girl! And you know what, now I'm really gonna go to the Safeway and pick up a couple of good looking, horny, nagged at poor saps who can do
me top, bottom, sideways, upside down, inside out like an industrial power tool, surprise me with orgasms, and all in fifteen minutes, because, well,
their wives keep calling on their cell phones...
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to
put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an
excuse.
anastasia can vouch that this happens, a LOT.
Dick says: Your excuse is that I was drunk.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you? "she'll
hear the words "to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of
them.
anastasia says "first time yes, after ten years, you can probably spice things up this way"
Dick says: Sure! And make sure ALL YOUR FRIENDS see them (and I don't have to keep them, but I will want to scan them for myself.
....memories, I do jerk off ....)
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing
patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,
vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and
permanent dye are a no no.
anastasia asks "how hot is the candle wax?"
Dick says: Skip the honey, fruit and feathers. And if you like candle wax , I have this harness .......
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's
as sexy as a belching contest.
Dick says: There is no more erotic noise. (Me like men!!)
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in
bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious.
Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
Dick says: I take yoga!!
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels
good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
Dick agrees.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on
the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to
wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
anastasia says "sneak in SOME wild abandon, but don't make it look like i was
mauled by an attack dog. i look horrible in turtlenecks, and i don't want to look like
that slutty, bleached blonde 13 year old in my seventh grade gym class."
Dick says: I have some turtlenecks, just no jaunty scarves. (And I was that slutty, bleached blonde 13 year old in your seventh grade gym class ...just
ask your brother ...)
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
anastasia says "everything should be handled in moderation. everything can be good, just never
all the time."
Dick says: Coach thing, good!! I'll even drop and give ya fifty!
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor
calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
anastasia says "not only lonley magazine editors call 1-900 numbers. so do midgets with scat fetishes,
and soccer dads who wanna spank and 18 year old girl who 'looks young for her age."
Dick says: Not only do I love it during sex, but you can give me a call at 5:30 AM (when you're just "getting up") and let me know just exactly how
you feel and what you need to do (Daddy).
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on
trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
anastasia says "see my response to number 20"
Dick says: "I know, I know, your wife keeps calling you on your cell phone."
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on
her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
Dick says: Even though I like the feeling of a big guy on top of me, I'm always available to return the favor.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your
bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
anastasia says "but always leave the money on the bedside table"
Dick says: "Wow dude! That was great, thanks! Is fifty enough?"
Other ways to contact poster:
Apparently around the Safeway, just leave your cell phone at home ...