First and foremost, I would like to thank you for being so fashionably late. While the rest of the girls in my class were squealing with delight at the arrival of “Aunt Flo”, my mother was dragging me to the doctor. 16. Yes, 16 years old and my mother is accompanying me to the doctors office asking repeatedly, “What’s wrong with HER?” I will never forget the look of pity the doctor gave me as my mother pointed out that I had gotten my boobies, so why not my period? That was fun.
Now, when you finally did arrive, instead of maybe giving me a chance to rejoice in the fact that I would actually get to USE the tampons I had been carrying around with me for 5 years, (you know, just in case) - you put me out of commission for a full 72 hours. Mom, you wanted this for me?
Over the years, we lived together…I learned that a concoction of Midol and coffee, and a heating pad shoved down my pants allowed me to walk when you were visiting. I also learned that my sisters, my own flesh and blood, loved to talk about how their periods lasted maybe 24 hours and they “barely felt a thing.” Bitches.
Now, all of this…all of this I could take. But when you would show up completely unannounced…sometimes early(!) and ALWAYS at the WORST time….oh my god, I will never forget landing the hottest most fabulous crush of my young life – and after hours of hot and heavy action in the park by my house – knock, knock! Who’s freaking there?? YOU MY STUPID PERIOD!!!
And psychologically, you have taken quite a toll. Maybe my brain knows you’re coming, but seriously, for at least one week before you’re here….I turn into a monster. People run away screaming. I have broken up perfectly normal, happy relationships due to this, have caused irreversible rifts between family members, I think I may have been fired once because of it…but I would have to say that those most affected, are workers in the service industry…checkers, servers, toll booth operators, baristos and baristas – you name it. They have all felt my wrath. Even now, the love of my life, the man I will most likely marry…seems to have mastered the “yes dears” and “you’re absolutely rights” necessary to make it through this monstrous monthly transformation. If I were him, I would break up with me!
Mr. Period, (yes, if periods have a sex, they are definitely male), even after all this – I am hoping to compromise. Hoping to make peace. You’ve been gone for 34 days and this is highly unusual. I’m thinking, that maybe if we learn to live together, we can try again? Please? Come back? This can’t be good. I’ve heard some very interesting stories about periods that leave…and while I’m not exactly missing you – I’m REALLY wondering where you went! Hello? Period?