Screw the Following People - The collected edition
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Srew the following people:
Arnold – Take that BS back to Kinnebumpcourt, Maine or wherever you and your filthy rich millionaire buddies hang out and plot world domination Regan 2: Judgemnt Day is NOT what this state needs.
The SFPD – How did any of you survive the fajita-gate scandal? Good god your cops assaulted some people for fajitas? Did we all forget so fast? Now Fagan is gonna be Chief and nobody cares? Sheeesh. Talk about dodging a bullet……..
Jared Fogle – Why you gotta make the fat people feel bad? YOU used to be fat Jared! Now bring me my Turkey Club Sandwich! NOW!!!!!!!
Gary Coleman – never trust a 50 year old midget.
Jane’s Addiction – Good god without Navarro you guys would be Oingo-Boingo…without Elfman.
People who like “Fitty Cent” – Ummmm, there are better rappers out there, look beyond what Eminem tells you is cool and you might just find a cool MC. Hint- DEF-JUX
People who come to restaurants on Sat/Sun AM all hungover, and bitter - Dudes and Dudeettes, for gods sake if you are gonna be angry stay at home, don’t come in complaining that the TV is on too loud and that you “need some coffee now”. Maybe you should not have drank so much drunkie.
Waiters/waitresses who don’t know about the food in your own restaurant – ummmmm ok? Funny, I work at a comp usa and know nothing about computers……
People who work at CompUSA – Why don’t you ever know anything about computers? FYI, I can tell you are about to lie to me when I ask you a question and you scratch your head and look around for someone to pass the buck off to. LIARS!
People who sell flowers – MURDERERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People who ask for “Change” on the street. – Change? Why can’t you just accept things the way they are?
People who insist that the “Lord of the Rings” Trilogy have been good movies so far. – Yeah, and so has the Star Wars Prequel. DORKS.
Guys who wear pink shirts – Dude, c’mon, did you really believe the salesman when he pawned that monstrosity off on you? I got a shirt just like that one….I NEVER wear it though……
Tourists around the Powell St. Bart area – I like to give them bad directions. “Macy’s? Union Square? Yeah, ignore that sign. what you wanna do is walk down Market, and go past the Civic Center….” – I figure at least I am introducing them to the colorful side of SF life. U never seen a bum smoke crack in broad daylight you say? Well….you’re about too. "Mommy, why is that man smoking that pen?"
Bums who play chess – enough said.
Whomever owns Starbucks – Yeah, I know its fashionable to take shots at them, but they do have good coffee, maybe I’m just jealous cuz there isn’t one near my house (I know, I know, but its true there isn’t) or maybe I’m angry at their Pseudo-hippy-Northwestern elite non-elitist attitude.
Dr. Evil – Why? Cuz he’s EEEEEEEEVVVVIIIIILLLLLLLL.
Letetcia Casta – Look baby, I told you, STOP calling me. Stop calling my friends complaining about me. Stop emailing me photos of you crying.
Its over and you need to deal with it and move on. You are only embarrassing yourself.
Psycho ex-girlfriend #2 – I should have known something was up when you called me that one time at 5am to tell me that you didn’t know where you were, who you were with or how much you had to drink, but that you know you love me. Ummmmmm, ok. Did you really think I was going to get out of bed and let a maniac screaming “I know you are in there” into my pad? Sheeesh. Psycho.
Lazy Roommate #1 – Ok, “ I don’t mind the mess” is not an appropriate response to “we live in squalor, we need to clean up before people get here for the party”
Drunk Roommate #1 – Look dude, when you spend all your money on liquor you might have a problem. When you tell me “Use beer” when I say “We’re out of milk!” you might have a problem. When you stumble in, yell at all of us for watching tv and proceed to pass out in my bed instead of yours, you might have a problem I want the $20 I lent you back, Mr. “12 step”.
People who smoke American spirits – Yeah sure they are good cigarettes. Ahhh, American Spirit, the ½ hour smokes.
People who smoke cigars – all of you look like guido’s, even in your suit.
People who only drink soy milk – Freak. If we’re not supposed to eat the animals, then why are they so tasty? Hmmm? For fun invite them for some vegan soup but use chicken stock. If they don’t eat meat they won’t know. If they do know, you can call into question their life as a Vegan/Vegetarian. “If you don’t eat meat, how do you know its chicken? Hmmm?”
Whole Foods Market – Same food, for twice as much! Yay!
Andronico’s – Same food, for twice as much and the ambiance of a Mediterranean supermarket…if it was full of pushy Americans and operated by inept high school kids and GED holders.
Johnny Cash- Who cares about him? John Ritter is the man!!!!! Mourning will consist of a 3’s company marathon, which MUST include the one where Jack becomes the temp bartender at the Regal Beagle. No Don Knotts ones are acceptable. MISTER ROPER POR VIDA!!!!!!
Fox News – I Hate you all so very, very much. Especially the following people: Bill O’Riley. That is all.
Snopes.com – IT IS NOT AN URBAN LEGEND THAT IF YOU KILL YOUR ROOMMATE YOU GET ALL A’s. I saw it in that movie with the dude from Saved By The Bell. Not the buff one on the beach bike cop show, or the curly haired weirdo, the blonde skinny one who looks like that kid we all had in our high school that we all wanted to punch.
Weird Mod people – man, I didn’t even know they MADE jeans with a size 18 inch waist for men. That is scary. Why don’t you get a haircut Flock Of Seagulls?
Betty Page – Convincing a generation of weird girls that if they looked like her, then they’d be hot.
Christina Aguilera – can you pick an image and stick with it. Also, please pick a new one, Pink already used that one.
All those people who have the “jesus fish” on the back of their cars. All I want to do when I see that is key your car so that it reads “Satan Lives here” over your gas tank. Hahahahaha.
People who like bad movies – Dude, The Princess Bride is a good movie, The 13th Day is NOT.
Nor is anything made by Tarantino post, “Jackie Brown”.
People who insist that Michael Madsen (Mr. Blonde) is a good actor - Dude you can count all his good roles on one hand and still have 4 fingers left over.
People who say stuff like "wait until you are my age then complain about XY&Z" dude, when I hit your age if I am as bitter and curt as you are now, I'd just lock myself in a closet.
People who were born after "the Muppet Movie" AND "Muppets take Manhattan" who talk about the 80's like they lived it, hello? McFly? you didnt even see Fraggle Rock. Your only experience with the Muppets is that "muppet Island" movie, you dont even remember when Miss Piggy tried to marry Mark Hamill in 1981 on "the Muppet Show" do you?
Gordon Gecko - Greed is good, but you are not.
Skinny people who say they arent anorexic - If you have to say you aren't, you are.
Tall people who think they've got it better then short people- sure gigantor.
Short people who think they've got it better then tall people - Okey dokey little fella (pats him on the top of his head)
Angry ex-trophy wives - I didn't make you bitter then dump you for the 25 year old who works in accounting and drives around in your car now.
People who watch "The OC" - Welcome to the real word! The Matrix has you.
Express for men and the men who shop there- Trendy dorks. Last year it was lucky jeans, then diesel, then before that Abercombie, then before that gap, then before that...you get the idea.
Men who wear suits from the 80's still- Nice shoulder pads dude. HIKE!
Women who wear dresses from the 80' still - Polka dots eh?.....
People who cut in line then look back at you like they are sorry. Yeah sure. I'm sorry I spilled this diet coke on your new white shirt. my mistake I was looking out for people trying to cut the line....
People who drive Lexus cars - NICE TOYOTA!
People who drive Cadillac Grande, Super Escalades - ummmm, insecurity issues much yes?
People who apply makeup as they drive- I like to screech on my brakes and watch them smear lipstic all over thier faces.
People who work at the toll booth- Why do you need rubber gloves? You saying my $$$ is DIRTY?
People who drive like a demon in traffic then slow to 40 when the lanes are wide open. -ummmm ok?
Bums who want to touch you - hey man, you must know you stink. Eeeeww. At least go stand in front of a sprinkler somewhere.
People who think "Bar None" on Union street is a cool bar. Yeah, if the one in NYC isn't cool what makes you think this one is?
People who work in wine bars - what is up with them? they make 5 bucks and hour and act like they are friggin Emiril Lagasi. "dont sip it down, spit it in the bucket?" nah, I dont think so, you call it wine TASTING, I call it "Drunk on a Sunday afternoon"
People who take thier kids and thier dog to the park and cant watch both- I dont want some wacko dog trying to bite me while you say "oh he never does this" yeah, I must have a top sirloin in my pocket or something.
People who hang out in coffee houses with thier laptop computers. DORK DORK DORK DORK.
Joan and Melisasa Rivers- Isnt Joan Dead yet? must be the blood of all those kids she drank in 95.
Zsa Zsa Gabor- my god, you give all old, drunk pill popping women who only care about themselves a bad name.
Erick and Lyle Menendez - How does it feel knowing you won 50 packs of smokes when you guys didnt hang yourselves the first week?
Bill Cosby - Life is like Kodak film, no coca cola, no Jello.........
Will Smith - how many more bad movies until we just give him an oscar so he will go away. Wild Wild West Baybeeeeee......
Blink 182 - the N'sync of Punk music.
Backstreet Boys - "Hey I remember you! you had mad hits in the late 90's dude...hey! No cheese on the burger and a large Sprite not a small one."
That Pepsi Vanilla guy - dude, what is wrong with your teeth?
Gray Davis - Its fashionable now. why not?
Vanilla Ice - Too easy. NEXT!
Todd Bridges - its pretty sad that you did the best out of all of 'em. Mr. Drummond is rolling over in his grave.
Robert Englund - how could you? I thought you gave up after "the new nightmare: nightmare on elmstreet 36- Not scary anymore.
People who flagged my last one, whats wrong? did you UPS workers get mad I gave away your secret? Ok, ladies if you frequent these bars: Matirx, Bar None, heck ANY Marina bar, any North Beach bar get a business card when he tells you "I work for Solomon, Smith, Barney."
J-lo- hahahahah I guess be Affleck is smarter then he looks......
Charleton Heston - I just don't like you.
The girl who works at Jamba Juice who cant get my order right
The guy who works at KFC/Taco Bell who forces me to come inside to ensure that his incompetence doesn't carry over to my order.
The guy who stole my palm pilot- I hope you like all the nonsensical notes I put in it such as the gem "Remember to pick up kidney's from Holiday Inn Room 545 @ 11PM" and "Don Girabaldi lands @ 4pm, pick him up or sleep with the fishes"
The guys who stand around and leer at women - dude, you ruin it for the rest of us. I like to walk by and flick my gum onto the back of his pants. Big league Chew works best for this. Just FYI.
The people who run the Bay Bridge - $3 tolls? man I better get a lot for this money. That means I want to see the bridge painted and those flat metal speed bumps removed.
people who have cellphones, but ask to use yours, WTF?
People who snitch on cars parked on the sidewalk to the DPT. Someday soon when you are not expecting it, mark these words: YOUR UPPINS WILL COME.
Girls who like to dance on tables at a bar - wow!That was classy!
Guys who wear the same baseball hat until its dirty, faded and old, but still wear it- Miss college eh?
Guys who wear flip flops everywhere - YOU are as annoying as the girls who wear those "bamboo style" platform sandals. Yeah Brah.......
People who drive expensive cars, but cannot drive - call me or email me and I will show you how to drive that Jaguar CORRECTLY.
People who drive cars with dents in them then cut you off and yell at you - Dude, how do you think they got that dent in the first place?
people who play boomboxes real loud and try to look "tough"- awwwww how cute, dear look! its some fake thugs in thier natural habitiat.
Velour Suits- hahahahah I got my leisure suit all ready when they make a comeback.
people who wear head to toe "Gucci" suits - hahahah did you get a free bowl of soup with that too?
People who skateboard- skateboarding is not a crime, nor is laughing when you fall and try to act like it did not hurt. Dude I KNOW that the man Vs. Concrete, man always loses.
People who think they are smarter then they are- If you are so smart how come you push buttons for Macy's? HellO? Chirp-Chirp......anything to say?
Cops who think that the job is so hard- dude, let me get this right, you get to drive around all fast, make people move out of the way whenever you want, roust anyone for any reson, hit on drunk girls at all hours of the night, and beat up groups of 10-15 people with your group of 40-50 people and you complain? If I had a job that easy...well Id be a cop.
People who cannot operate a telphone. It's not quantum math. Push buttons call person.
The people who front like cigarette smoking is bad. MY TAXES ON SMOKES PAY FOR YOU TO BE ABLE RIDE BART AND FOR THE COPS TO PROTECT YOU FROM BEING RUN OVER DURING CRITICAL MASS AND FOR YOUR KIDS TO GO TO SCHOOL. SHUT UP. IF YOU DONT LIKE IT TOUGH. TAKE YOUR KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL, DONT USE ANYTHING PUBLIC (LIKE THE LIBRARY)AND THEN COMPLAIN. HYPOCRITES.
The people who act like they are so special cuz daddy pays for an apartment in the Marina. I can do math. All you little spoiled brats making 40-50 grand a year cannot afford the 1 bedroom with a view in the Marina, AND your new wardrobe hunt weekly, daily liquor bills in the $40-$50 range, and the BMW 540 you have. Daddy bought you one of them so stop acting like you are independent. YOU are STILL on your parents car insurance. YOU are not independent.
The people who act like our foreign policy is somehow "good" yeah sure.
The peole who claim things are better now then the Clinton years and that Clinton didn't do anything but be there in the right place at the right time when the economy corrected. Yeah, right, YOU SO STUPID. Ann Coulter and you should have dinner and swap conspiracy stories.
The people who drive 10 miles an hour looking for a parking place on a crowded street. Hello? the cars that are leaving the places have either: someone in it, or the engine on.
The people who complain about the parking in SF then get mad when someone parks on the sidewalk - huh?
People who act like they are "cool" even though they are not - Newsflash, if you are hanging out in the haight, you are not cool, you hippie.
The people who shout "WHOOOOOOOOO!" or "YEAAAAAAAHHHHH!" in a bar at the top of thier lungs - you really miss the ol' frat party days huh?
the UPS workers who like to dress up and dazzle you with thier ability to lie thier butts off about what they do in a vain attempt to get a one night stand, dude, if pretending to be then King of Siam didn't work for your Pops it aint gonna work for you.
The people who think 1015 Folsom is a "good club" these are the same people who went to City Nights as well b4 they hit 21.
the people who will respond with "you spell bad" or "spell check your work" dude, 4get u grammar police, people that troll here and use that to back up an argument are the biggest morons ever. Duh I know how to use grammar and I notice the mistakes I make when I touch type, I just dont care to correct them since a person can get the idea by reading between the lines and using 1/1000000000th of their brain power.
The people who hate gay people and live in SF. WTF? thats like living in Minnesota and hating hockey, you knew what it was like before you went there.
The people who hit on you in the gym. eeew, creepy.
The people who tell fat people to exercise - Dude, if someone weighs 280-300 pounds getting on a treadmill or stair climber will HURT them more then it helps them.
THe people who think Stanfraud is a great school, ummm can you say "GRADE INFLATION"? Drop classes after taking the final exams? what kind of school does that? A private one that specializes in a tradition of heritage.
I dont care what you say, I have READ papers from many a Stanfraud grad that would get laughed out of the classroom @ CAL or any UC School for that matter.
The people who like the 49ers. go back to CommercialStick park and root for your mafia affiliated team. have fun avoiding the stickup men in Hunters Point though!
Terrell Owens – I guess drooling on himself and calling the team trainer “Momma” after his concussion last week has taught him zero humility. For you own sake TO don’t try that against Wareren ‘The Crippler’ Sapp.
The people who think the Giants are better then the A's, hey we kicked you squar' in the face in 89. how many times you beat us in the world series? none? I thought so. good luck losing to the NL central or the wild card team this year. Oakland all the way.
Fat women who make fun of fat dudes
Fat dudes who make fun of fat women
Sarah Michelle Gellar – Who told you that you could act?
Freddie Prinze Jr. – Who told YOU that you could act?
Keanu Reeves- He’s not acting…scary…
The women who buy "Sushi" shoes, "Ma-no-no" boots and "Brada" purses from dudes on the street. hahahahahah yeah sure. that stuff looks like those dudes who wear those gaudy "Tommy Sport" shirts. hahahahahahaha
how everyone has a set of turntables and a mixer, but just "plays" records. A word used instead of saying "Hi! I'm a poser, and I cannot spin, mix or scratch to save my life. Like everything else in my life I am the first one on the bandwagon and It looks sooooooo cool next to my stereo. Chicks/dudes really dig it too. does anyone know where my Razor Scooter is?" dang, that makes me sick.
POSER....
The people who ride scooters - enuff said. I like to swerve and force them to fall off thier scooter or crash into a mailbox. trendy dorks.
the people who post nonsensical rants about thier boy/girlfriend and ask if she/he is cheating/lying to them, if you have to ask, they are.
the people who say they "hate fat women" but are thmselves delusional, keyboard jockies with zits who have yet to touch a live woman besides thier mother/sister/aunt/grandma. YOU guys might as well put "I cant get any at all" on your head. dont blame thick women. I understand, you figured "hey I'll settle for a fat one" then realized that she would be the one settling, not you. too bad, poor little dork.
Sex and the city – from single women to boring, annoying whiners. Is this show over yet?
Friends – Does anyone watch this show.
The Cast of the West Wing – You beat the Sporano’s?!? Again!?! I guess Martin Sheen CAN fix the Emmys…..
Maxim – Teaching a generation of dorks the wrong things to say to women.
guys who have highlights in thier hair, and dye it. Weirdo.
People who have "video game/anime" haircuts. Weirdo.
police who say they dont fit the coffee and donut stereotype then go order a double tall no foam latte and a scone.
-Mongo- Mongo not funny, Mongo need shut up.
Sorority Girls – teaching generation after generation of girls that if they let other girls haze them for 4 months and then wear colorful flowers and greek letters on their shirt then they are “cool”.
Crazy muni drivers. CRAZY.
High school kids making tons of noise and acting all tough. Look kiddo, someday you will figure out that the ones who make the most noise are the most harmless. Oh, and to the kid who swooped the seat I gave up for the old lady that I simply told "move and give the lady the seat I vacated for her" yeah, you are supposed to YIELD THOSE SEATS TO THE OLD PEOPLE. its POSTED RIGHT THERE ON THE WINDOW. hoodlums, but hey you moved, so at least YOU were smarter then you looked.
the people who shop and abercrombie and fich/ae outfitters. Sheep. baaaaaaa. I feeel sorry for you. baaaaaaaa.
The guys who stand around on the Bay Bridge at night not working, but looking like they are working. – I guess the Bay Bridge is a permanent “Work in Progress”
The Highway Patrol – You guys look like the Reno 911 cast.
Monty Python – after 5 gabillion times, the jokes aint funny no more.
Charles Montgomery Burns
That girl who keeps staring at me on the bus.
That guy who keeps staring at me on the bus
That kid who keeps staring at me on the bus
STOP LOOKING AT ME!
The CAL football team- Its sad that you could lose to DeLa Salle. YOU GUYS BETTER BEAT STANFRAUD.
Street gangs – just not the one where I live, you guys are cool…….
Princes William and Harry – dopehead multimillionaires! You guys need to hang with Paris Hilton!
The people who stand on Broadway and try to get you to venture inside the bar – ummm, I don’t work in the “industry” but you might want to send the attractive dancers outside to lure customers inside.
The dude who runs Midtown Rags- YOU ARE SHADY.
People who think they can dance, but all they do is flail and step on your feet- you need to get some rhythm baby.
Women who drink Comsopolitans - Why not just drink the vodka straight? its faster.
Men who drink 'funny colored' drinks - oohhhh! that one is green and has foam coming off of it! that is sooooooo cooel!
The guy at Zachary's Pizza who insists on touching the pizza with his hands. nasty.
the dude
Christian Slater - youve had the same haircut for 15 years, I dont trust that....
Nick Cage - YOU!?! SUPERMAN?!? don't make Christopher Reeve get up out of that chair......
Mike Tyson - hahahahah you sound like a girl when you talk.
Oscar DeLa Hoya - hahahahahah even when you win you lose. hahahahah you are weak. I thought you were gonna retire if you lost? how about another album man! That would be sweet. Then you could have another grammy to put in your bathroom to hold the spare tp roll.
Bounty- Quicker picker upper my butt!
Wal-Mart- man, what a concept! a massive store that still is always out of what you need to buy!
John Madden - good god Summerall, could you hide his bottle next week until after halftime at least?
Import Cars from Japan modified to sound like a motorcycle - 2 Fast 2 Furioso!
The people who dont realize that this is a joke and will flame me before even reading this.