I met this really cool chick. She has been so great. We have fascinating long dinners while enjoying wine and stimulating conversations. She likes me for me and it makes me feel great.
So last SaTURDay we share a couple bottles of Big House Red and then hit the town with some friends for a wild night of pool shooting and shite talking via the Avenue. We tossed back many a beers and way too much Jack Daniels. We stumbled back to my place as I am almost carrying her, strip (I had to help her get undressed as she was pickled and had neither the dexterity nor focus to unsnap or unbutton) and hit the sheets.
The next morning I am thrust into consciousness by a horrific odor and an uneasy slimy feeling about my back. I jumped up and started dry heaving as I gazed upon a huge deposit of turd juice and slimy shit smear all over the bed where my pool partner was last seen just before passing out. You got it folks, she shit the bed didn't wake me to worn me of the horror and left just enough of herself behind to smear all over my back, neck, hand and thigh. It was what I would imagine sleeping in a giant baby's diaper would be like...all smeared in turd juice and just feeling nasty. I ran outside, hosed down my nekid, shit smeared body under a beautiful moon and fresh smelling sky, grabbed a sleeping bag and crashed out on the couch with all the windows fully open....the time was somewhere around 5am.
The next morning I called my little poop pal to see what had happened (I already knew it was her turd juice cause there was little strips of Togo's like lettuce in the mix and she had mentioned enjoying a #31 from Togo's earlier the prior day). Well she never called me back. She still hasn't called me back and won't answer her cell phone or any emails...not even an IM gets a response. I just want to let her know it's ok. It was just a wet fart that went horribly wrong. It was just a turd. Monkeys throw it, beetles roll it, babies smear it and dogs eat it. It’s fun for the whole family. I'm not very offended anymore and would way rather chance another turd bath than to lose that awesome connection we were making.....besides, it kinda turned me on.
Ladies, I have heard how women are really embarrassed about poop and farts and the likes but to cut all ties? Will she ever respond?
(If you are a female and you know what a Cleveland Steamer, a Chili Dog, a Tootsie Roll, a Dirty Sanchez or Rocking The Side Pipe is, then email me. We need to talk.)